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He never came back

01 September, 2002

My story is about this man...well I guess I should say boy. I'm only 17 years old so I cannot say that I really know a whole lot about love. But there was a moment when I thought I did. I met this guy in the 9th grade, at the time he was in the 10th, I was so shy. I had never had a REAL boyfriend before. It was scary. I went to a school dance, and he was there, he asked me to dance, I said no, but he kept trying, so I finally nervously said ok.

Well the following Monday he asked me out. I said no once again, even though I really did like him. I would always find him during lunch, sort of stay a little ways behind him so he wouldn't suspect anything. And you have to understand, this guy was the greatest, everyone liked him, he was cute, and funny, but sweet and tough at the same time. So finally I accepted his offer on going out. We dated for about a week, because I was scared, and just not really able to accept the fact that this really amazing person liked and wanted me. So I broke off the relationship, he would call and I would just ignore him... try to anyway.

The following year he and I got close, not intimate close but really good friends, I enjoyed talking and being around him, so we began to date once again, and I again ended the relationship in less than a week. I was young and scared of everything, I didn't want a guy to follow me around like a puppy dog, and want to hold my hand, and pass me notes in between classes... that made me nervous for some reason. After I ended it we didn't talk for the rest of the year. Well the following year, I ended up having a class with him. We ended up talking again and he kept asking me out, and I kept saying no, because he had a girlfriend at the time. And I didn't want to be involved in any part of that. But a few months passed and I began to really like him, we talked more, I would wait until my parents went to sleep every night just so I could call him...I even got grounded a few times because of that.

Finally I decided to be his little girl on the side. He gave me my first kiss, I'll never forget it, but he would never break up with his girl and that worried me because I wanted him so bad and it was like he didn't understand that. I was his secret for about four or five months, I actually enjoyed some parts of it. We would always sneak in between classes and make out, just feeling him hold me was the greatest feeling ever. But things did go from good to worse. He eventually quit calling me and barely talked to me during class. I'll never forget that feeling.... it sucked. I'd lay in bed at night and pray to God that he would help me get him back. That didn't work out so well because on a Wednesday evening in class he said he wanted to speak to me, we walked over in a corner while everyone else watched a movie. We sat down on the table and he explained that he couldn't be with me because he loved this other girl and he didn't want to hurt her. I remember being numb. I didn't move. I just stared straight ahead. I didn't laugh, cry, smile or anything, he finally asked me to say something, but I couldn't. The lunch bell rang and he went on. I stayed in class and sat in the corner thinking about what I did that was so wrong. He told me he loved me and I thought he meant it.

Well, he graduated a year or so after that. I didn't see him again for about a year. Then one evening he showed up at a ballgame, of course with that same girl. Gosh how I envied her, he would glance over at me every few minutes. We'd stare at each other for the longest time, but nothing ever happened.

I finally became a senior. One night I was up studying and I got a phone call, it was him. We talked for hours that night. I told him I still cared and he said he felt the same. I was so happy to hear his voice. I found out that he had broken up with his girl. I was in heaven. He came to visit me every week. I would get off the bus at his house just to see him. I risked getting in trouble with my mom all for him. Needless to say, he took my virginity. I was 16 years old. I thought it was something that I had to do in order to prove my love to him, so he would understand that I was serious about him, for a while, he felt the same. We went to my senior prom together. Right off something didn't seem right. He was staring at my best friend, getting pictures taken with her, basically doing all the things with her that he should've been doing with me. We all sat at a table together, he sat in between my friend and I, they kept whispering and giggling so finally I stood up and grabbed my friend jerked her in the hallway and with tears flowing down my cheeks I told her she had better stop because she was breaking my heart... she apologised and we went back inside. A few moments later he got the idea that I wasn't comfortable at a table with both of them so he and I left. We went up the road about a mile or so and of course, had sex. Afterwards we drove around for a few minutes and then he pulled over on the side of the road, these words came out of his mouth... "I think that we need to think about things", I freaked... I started bawling and begged him not to do this... then he explained that we weren't breaking up..! .we were just gonna talk things out and not argue anymore. Finally he took me home, in my driveway told him how much I loved him and how I loved his whole insight on life and that was what I wanted, he said he felt the same about me. I cried so much that night. Well he called two weeks after the prom. and I haven't heard anything since then. I don't know where he is, if he's alive or dead, its a scary feeling. He hasn't called in about 4 months and there's not much I can do about it.

I still love him in some ways, I would love to have him hold me and kiss me and just say everything is fine, but he's not here, he's not coming back this time and I have to accept that... obviously.

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