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Glass heart

24 February, 2003

He, or rather Jacob was the first boy I knew I loved. And the best thing about it was, he loved me back. But it didnít last long. When we first spoke it was only a matter of days before he asked me out. It was the 24th of August 2002 he asked me out, and now that I think of it today is the 24, which would mean that had he not treated me the way he did, it would have been our 6 month anniversary today. God, I actually feel so lonely now. But its for the best.

I was so happy being his girlfriend, he was so amazing to me, told me he loved me all the time and things like that. We spoke about kids and had names for them : Aimee, Rebekka, Jacob and Damian. I honestly thought that he would be the one for me, or at least it would have been a good attempt at a decent relationship. He was my first love and still is as I havenít found anyone else. I donít even want anyone else. But because he lives in London and I am in Edinburgh, it's hard. He will not come up to see me, but he tells me all the time he will. So I just get heartbroken all the time when he says he cant. It's horrible. My heart has been shattered into so many pieces time and time again that it gets too much to take.

He said I was special, and beautiful and smart and that he was in love with me. It made me so happy but now I never hear from him. He only speaks to me when he feels like it so I am left all alone, in the dark, wondering what I have done wrong to chase him off. I am still in love with him, I always will but he coaches football so wont find any time for me. I obviously donít mean much if he picks football over me. I hear from him like once a week if I am lucky, and then its only ever him saying he is sorry for being busy and he will try and keep in contact when he can.

I wish my heart was made of stone, but really it's him whose heart is cold. To treat the person he said he loves like that. To mess her about and cast her off when he decides he is bored. He is nasty to me, and doesnít give me the time of day and when I get mad and angry he asks me why. The cheek.

Heís made me feel the worst I ever had in my life. He told me not long since that he wasnít in love with me anymore. I wanted to die. I really did. I thought about it and everything and had my suicide notes all thought out. When he said it, despite family members dieing and everything else bad in my life, it was the worst feeling. It was literally like someone's hand diving into my chest and pulling my heart out and stomping in it again and again. I pray no one has to feel that hurt. That boy has ruined my life. I know he is no good for me, but I am still in love with him. One day, hopefully things will work out.

But for now, I have to get on with life, with only thoughts of him to suffice and try to heal my broken heart.


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