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02 January, 2009

His last name is Hand.

When I first met him, I scoffed at his name and the way he'd stared at me, as if I werean exotic bird. But then, I learned his character. And thus, I grew to long for the inflections of his voice, his smile. I grew to love his smell,touch &taste in music. And most of all, I grew enamored of his hands. And now, he doesn't want to"wantme". How ironic, on so many levels.

Nearly 3 yrs ago,wemetas strangers, attending a Martial Arts Class. I remember walking up the fieldon the first dayand making eye contact with him. He was absurdly naive looking and young. And he stared so intently, I was actually insulted, and gave himmy "piss off"look andstillhe stared, soI pointedly walked away.After this introduction,I forgot him. Nice and tidy. Or so I thought. A week later, duringa "test", whichwas a short but rapid hike, I realized who he was.

My hands are small and they could not keep asteady grip on the 2 20 pound loads,that we were required to carry. He saw this andquietlyinsisted oncarrying the weight. Not only for myself but for the entire group. And astheloadwastraded, his hand touched mine. Electricity. The humanity in his eyes was beautiful andhislarge &eleganthands carried the weight, well. I think, that's when i started to fall for him,I was becoming undone.

We started to hang out as friends andhe initiated a romantic attempts, which I sabotaged because, I was a purposely blind & leery.Eventually, after an emotional flair-up, which went mutually unacknowledged. We drifted apart likeicebergs.Burning flames buriedinthe cold.And now,there's onlypolite greetings. In public, we arelike ghosts floating past one another. I can understand their obsession. Desire haunts.

I regret it. I deniedhim because I denied myself. Because at that point, in my life,I was a veritable mess.I wish I had communicated and loved him with more intention and kindness. Do we get second chances? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

Hand, I'll always knowyou. And your memory will stay withme,long afterI cease to see your ghost. I wishyouhappiness and peace of mind. Maybe inthe nextlife, we'll belong to one another. But I'm grateful, I had the opportunity to brush past you, during this one. Love, Huh.

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