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From Pare with love

22 October, 2003




For you,


I have been wanting to tell you for a long time now that I miss you every single
day that we haven't seen each other, every second that we haven't talk, every
moment that I can't feel your breath... every hour that we are apart...


I miss you so much more than you could imagine and I know if I want to end this
longing, all I have to do is come to you... but the thing is, I cannot...


I cannot let myself go through that pain of loving you again... I cannot let my
heart win over my mind again... I cannot let my whole being ache for you...
again... and again...and again...


I just cannot accept the fact that I love you more than I thought it was
possible to love anyone, because suddenly, in you, I am willing to do everything
even if it means being someone else… and if you must know, I hate it. I have
always been my own unique person pards, it scares the hell out of me to give it
up, because I have been working my whole life building it, but then you came and
it all shattered to pieces.


My whole defence all shattered to pieces. You never left any parts of me
unturned and it is scary without that to protect me you know... I feel alone now
without anything on my side to help me go through this because you all took them
with you...


If loving you were being this way forever, then I would do everything in my
power to stop being this weak...


I do not want to be like this anymore, I feel like a leaf freely floating in the
air without any certain direction to where it would be going, it is like not
having a mind at all, I cannot think! I cannot object! I cannot do anything, not
even try to save what might be broken in the end...


If this is just some point of time I must go through, then I want to be done
with it quickly, as fast as I could so I could finish this tormenting state... I
just want to be like me again...


I know you can not do that for me and I can not blame you for all this because
it was never your fault to begin with, but I just want you to know that despite
all the pain, there has been a time too that I was glad my heart fell in love
with you, maybe because it was right to fall for you, because there won't be any
man in the world for me now but you... only you...


I love you so much... no words could tell you when, why or how... it was just a
matter of conceivable truth... there's no way to fight it, to escape it... the
only way to lighten this is to accept it and succumb to it freely...


I love you Pards, I loved you too much without me realizing it... I love you...
I will never get tired of telling it...


I love you... and I hope...


You could love me too...


Pare


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