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Forgive?

24 August, 2008

I went out with Eric* for two years. He was my first love and my first serious relationship. I truly loved him with my whole heart, and every second I spent with him was precious, and all the memories we made, i made sure that I would write down even the littlest details on my diary that day so I will not forget about them.

We started when he became to like me and chased after me avidly. My values and religion were different to his, so we had so many problems in the beginning of our relationship. So many times we could have broken up and left each other in anger but we could not, because we were so in love. We fought and cried together countless number of times.

I wrote so many letters to him that he kept his letters in a huge box that was flooded with countless love notes and letters to him. He was also crazily in love with me. There were many times when I was scared to give my whole heart to him because I was afraid of being hurt and i was disbelieving when he said that he will 'never' leave me. But as the time went on, I became to believe in him and trusted him with my whole heart. So I gave my whole heart to him and loved him from head to toe.

He truly made me feel like a goddess to him. He always told me how pretty i looked every day he saw me, he always said 'i love you' and always said that he will marry me.

Two years later out of blue he said he didn't love me anymore. He said so many hurtful things that I thought he would never say. He told me that he didnt wanna talk to me anymore or see me at all. He told me to leave him alone. It didn't make sense at all. I hadn't done anything wrong, and it was not because he liked another girl. I never thought that we would end up like every other couples, because I thought we had a goal in our mind : marriage, not just an aimless relationship with no future and no hope.

My heart was completely shattered and torn into a billion little pieces. Right now I have to study hard to get into a course in university, but I can't bring myself to study and think about other things. I know I will regret it, maybe when I get over this I will think back and say 'i should've studied more back then'. But I can't stop it.

I love him still so much. Too much. A month later he came back and told me that he still 'kind' of loves me. I want to be the way we use to be, and no matter how hard I try we are not the way we use to be.

We are not as naive as before, and I can't trust him with everything he says.

I love him still so much, but my heart is also full of betrayal and shock that I got from him. When I talk to him, every now and then I get short outbursts of uncontrollable anger and I end up slapping him on the face. I've bashed him up so many times, and I can't bring myself to forgive him. I trusted him. too much. And he doesn't love me the way he use to either.

It all feels all wrong,and i hate him and blame him for ruining the precious thing we had. It was so precious...

It's gone, and there are only the remains of our past love. I so badly want to grasp onto the remaining pieces, but it's not going to turn into anything.

I've decided that I will avoid him until I can fully forgive him.

I don't know when that will be, but hopefully I can forgive him.

Like every other couples, we have a long story together, and no one in the world knows me better than he does, and I know him better than anyone.

We have an invisible bond between us, i know we do.

I just hope it will always be there.

It's just so painful to see him around now. I want to crawl into a hole and not have to look at his sweet face. I want to kiss and stroke his face so badly, but I also want to cut off his head.

I am so shocked at how bad our love had turned out. It had hurt both of us so much in the end. Mainly me.

I either have to forgive him or forget him.

I hope i can forgive him.







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