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Forever deep down

29 August, 2008

I was 15 at the time, the middle child with 3 brothers. I had just moved back from overseas and was living with my father. I was really excited because my 19 year old brother who was the other middle child, who had stayed in our home country was coming down to live with us. I was so excited because I hadn't seen him for about 3 years. My father told me he would be bringing a friend who would staying with us also until they found a place to share. I wondered what type of girl my brother had brought home this time. He was always such a player. I got back from school and my brother hadn't arrived yet so i did my homework and went to sleep.

Late that night I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs, my brother was sitting on top of me, I knew he was coming but because it had been such a long time since has last seen him and the fact he was coming had kinda popped out of my head as i fell asleep, it didn't quiet register my brother was home. My father was at the door laughing. Straight away I remembered he had brought a friend with him. I was a bit embarrassed as I realized they would have heard me scream and they would probably be laughing as well. I got out of bed and went to go down stairs to meet this person. As I got halfway down the stairs I looked across to the lounge room only to see a boy sitting in the couch looking right at me with big green eyes and the biggest smile on his face. It had never ocured to me that he would be bringing a boy home. Straight away it we clicked, he was more like a boy than a man (when I was 15 I considered 19 to be a man) I remember him sitting on the floor with me and playing cards and laughing and talking for the rest of the night, it was like everyone else in the room had stopped existing.

With my brothers and him, we would go down to the beach every afternoon and played football which in the end was was just me and him tackling each other as hard as we could, pinning him to the ground and tickling him. The ball wasn't even relevant to the game by the end of the day. I knew straight away I was in love. I was so excited, I wanted to tell someone I was in love. Me father and brothers were extremely over protective and would have made sure we could never see each other again, so I told the only female figure in my life, my oldest brother's ex girlfriend. I had known her since I was 7. She was still really close to the family and I considered her like a sister. She was also my brothers best friend, the brother who had brought this by into my life. She thought it was cute but warned me he was a bad boy and my father wouldn't ever approve. I knew it was true, for that reason I always shy when i was near boys. I hadn't even had my first kiss.

I decided I'd tell this boy how i felt. I had no idea how I was going to do it. I was so nervous. I knew if i told him and he didn't like me back, he'd tell my brothers and they would tease me. So I just told him I had a secret. All night he nagged me to know what my secret was and I told him I'd tell him when I was ready to. Finally he asked me if it was that I liked him. I admitted it told told him I really really liked him and that my father would kill me if he knew.

He told me it was okay because he liked me too. I couldn't believe it. I had no idea, it all seemed like a dream to me. He gave me a ring that just fit on my pinkie and a black rubber bracelet and said to me if i broke it, i knew what i meant, and i did. The following night I got home from school we were watching tv and he broke the rubber bracelet. I told myself it was just a myth and just pretended I didn't know what he was talking about.

I was over the moon. Every time i would see my brother's ex-girlfriend I would tell her how great it was and how I couldn't believe he cared about me. Each time she would remind me how it really wasn't right, he was way too old for me. I knew she was right and it each time after we'd spend time together playing video games him and I, I would feel guilt.

One night my youngest brother was working on math homework and this guy wouldn't stop teasing him. I was really making me angry. I didn't want my little brother to lose focus and reminded myself of the talks with my brother's ex-girlfriend. I got all of my courage together and said to him "look he's trying to concentrate, he wasn't to go to university and do something of his life unlike you!". I straight away regretted what I had said. I realized I had really hurt him. I told him I was really sorry. He went over to and pulled out of his bag and pretended to go through all of his stuff, I went over to sit with him as he pulled out all the photo's of his ex-girlfriends. I felt tears welling up, i felt as though he was reminding me he didn't need me, he could easily find someone else. I ran up to my room and balled my eyes out. He slipped a drawing under my door of a dinosaur saying it was sorry.

The following day at school I was just crushed, I just wanted to go home. I wish he would be there and that the previous night had been a dream and we would just listen to music together or run around on the beach. But it wasn't, it was all real and had happened. I got home and went straight to the hammoc by the water. He joined me down there and I asked him why he was there and that I he had lied to me and he didn't even love me. He told me I was the one who didn't love him. I told him that wasn't true that I'd prove it to him if he proved to me he loved me. He told me that he didn't think I could. I ran up to my bedroom balcony and locked the door behind me. I laid there staring up at the sky. I had no idea what i was going to do. He climbed up onto my balcony and laid there besides me. I had no idea what i was doing but I rolled over and pecked him on the lips and said there, now do you believe me that I love you. Without giving him the chance to answer I got up and went into my room and closed the door behind me. I couldn't believe what I had done. It was so unlike me. I laid sides ways on my bed. I million things were going through my head.

He in the mean time had climbed down to the lounge room balcony picked up my little brothers bouncy balls, soccer balls, whatever ball he could find, came up to my room and just threw them at me there laying on the bed. Eventually he ran out of balls and just stood there staring in my eyes. He slowly laid down ontop of me and gave me the most tender kiss ever. My heart was racing.

That week I didn't really see much of him, we kept it our secret. He was moving out because my dad didn't like him from the start even though he had no idea about us. He was staying at my oldest brothers ex-girlfriends place while he was looking for somewhere to stay. I begged her to bring him over so one day she did. I remember him wearing a leather jacket with no shirt on underneath. I could see his rock hard abs. We went out to the outside balcony and were talking with my little brother who then went inside I hugged him, I told him I didn't want him to go. He told me he had to that my brother's ex-girlfriend wanted to go and order pizza and she had the car so he had no choice but he'd try to convince her to come back after dinner. I walked them out to the car and made her promise to bring him back. As he was sitting in the passengers seat I leant down and kissed him, I had the felling they wern't going to come back.

A few days later my brother's ex-girlfriend came over and told me she had really bad news. Apparently he had a new girlfriend, some older girl who was just all over him all the time. I was crushed a spent the whole night crying. She left me and came back the next day to check up on me. I was still so sad, she tried reassuring me saying that he wasn't worth it that apprently he'd been to jail but she'd rather not tell me why. She said I was a smart girl and could to alot better. I thought she was right. I called him and told him that I never wanted to see him ever again.

A few months down the track out of nowhere my brother comes up to me and tells me that my brother's ex-girlfriend was pregnant and that her and his friend were together. I couldn't believe it. My whole world felt like it was coming down crumbling around me. I trusted her. I took her advice, believing it was for my best interest. I had worked so hard trying to get him out of my head. She had blatantly lied to me for her own interest.

Shortly after, I turned 16. Apparently their relationship was having issues, she was still pregnant yet he was staying with my brother in his room in our separate apartment. I had figured that she had told my brother about the feelings I had for his friend as I was forbidden to talk to him or even see him. One night, my brother friend arrived only to be locked out. I was sitting on the stairs leading to my house staring at the stars when he came over to talk to me. He asked me for my number. Really early the next morning, before even the sun was up, i was woken but tapping on the glass door leading to my bedroom balcony. I got out of bed and looked over. I was in my garden throwing stones at my window.

He climbed up making sure not to be seen from my fathers room. We sat inside and just talked for about an hour, he got up and said he better go before my father realized there was a man in his daughters bed room. I accompanied him out to the balcony. The moon was full reflecting on the water below. I hugged him wishing he would never let me go.

Over the next week, the same would happen until one night he asked if he could stay in my bed because it was really cold in my brothers apartment, and he wanted to be with me. I agreed. He climbed in and held me close. I was still very much in love with him. He placed his hand on around my waist and kissed me. I melted. We made passionate love until the sun started rising. Once again he left me with the promise to come back.

That day I realized it was true love, however it was a love that wasn't meant to be. He was going to be a father, a father of a baby that wasn't mine. I asked my brother if he was going to go back to the mother of his child he said of course he will. I called him and told him I could no longer see him. I lied my father had found out and was very angry. I could never ever be in contact with him ever again. I figured it was wrong to steal a father away from an innocent baby

I am now 19. I have moved on but haven't ever stopped thinking about him. I got in contact with my brother. He told me his friend is now married to my brother's ex-girlfriend and has two children to her. I wish them the very best

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