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Forbidden love

21 November, 2002

Where to start... I guess I'll start by saying that I am writing this story to comfort those who have been there and let them know that they aren't the only one's, to hope this touches those who haven't been there enough that they would never think of allowing it and to set something inside me free... so that it may float away like a leaf in the wind, softly float away from me...

I was a young bride, 18 when I married. Oh how I thought I knew it all. I truly thought that I knew love and I married him. But, as in all things in life, what is the value of a promise, even a promise sealed with a kiss. You say 'till death do you part and something else parts you.... so came the divorce. And as soon as that was over, came the feelings of never wanting to do that again!!! lol.

So, being a woman.... and needing, I mean truly needing the touch of a man and someone to make me feel alive. I began a relationship. I did not want to be in a relationship where I would be tied down or expected to commit to anything so, long story shorter, I started seeing a married man. I thought at first it was the perfect situation, no commitment, no expectations, only physical.... (YEAH RIGHT!! like fat free Hershey's ...to good to be true)

I fell in love with him our first night together, something in his touch told my soul that we had always been together, star crossed lovers on a path of pain, brought together by heartache and pain inflicted by others. From the beginning we trusted each other with our inner most feelings, desires and dreams. I can truly say that I loved him like I have never loved another and never will. There are some things we, as humans, can only give away once in a lifetime, and those parts of me are no longer mine, they are his and will forever be.

He swore his love to me day after day and week after week, and I to him. He promised to leave his wife time and time again, always to break that promise with another excuse.

Years went by...

Finally it came to me... "I am better than this". After a lot of soul searching, I ended our relationship. I had to leave my job, my friends, my family and life as I knew it behind because he just couldn't understand the word "over" (to this day I don't know what part of "her or me" he didn't understand, maybe it was the me part). I have started over, in a new town, with new people and yes, a new love.

I met a man that is wonderful. No, he will never live up to that forbidden love and no, we more than likely will never be as close as my star crossed lover, but he is all I could have hoped to find and sometimes so much more. My only regret is not waiting for him to come along before I gave away pieces of myself I can never get back.

So, advice on how to cure heartache... ( I don't know if this keyboard can do justice to the meaning of the next few lines)

There really is no cure and I wasted more time looking for it than I care to mention. The heartache just fades with time to a corner of your heart out of sight and out of mind, only to be felt on days of weakness. Like any significant injury to the body, the wound heals, but the scar will always remain. Eventually you learn to live with the pain and life has a way of moving on, you and only you can decide if it goes on with or without you. So, there is no cure, no worries though, there is triumph. Learn to overcome the pain and use it to give you strength to move ahead. (even negative energy is energy, it is your choice how it is used)

To my star crossed lover:

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and I will carry that for the rest of my days, a penance if you will :)
I love you ... nothing changes that
but, another path I must follow...I miss you

......happiness awaits me.....

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