I met my love a very strange way. I met him on the internet but not in one of those chat rooms or those singles joints but I met him thru music.
I downloaded a song from him and little did I know that this horribly cheesy guy would be the first guy I ever truly loved. We started chatting, not really thinking much would happen with him in California and me in Kansas. But boy was I wrong.
Soon our chats turned into phone calls every once and a while and then they turned into phone calls every day and then they turned into phone calls three, four, sometimes even five times a day.
I had found this guy. He was so wonderful he showed me how to live my life and he showed me how much I was missing in my life. I had always been one of those very sceptical girls not believing too much in Love at all and definitely not believing in a long distance love for sure. But "J" showed me how much love I had to offer to someone. So thru the two years that we talked we grew closer and closer, first as a friendship and then more. He helped me thru a lot of bad times and was with me thru a lot of good times.
It became really hard for both of us because we could not actually be together day in and day out like any couple in love should be, but we made it work and the more and more we talked the more I knew that he was the guy for me. I got really sick in march of 2003 probably the sickest in my life and even though he could not be with me he was always there for me calling me and making sure that I was getting all the care that I could. At this point we really started to get serious. We had a great really close few months and then it all fell apart.
The guy that I had dreamed about, made future plans with, fallen in love with and solely based my life upon had turned my world upside down in one phone call. He told me the dreadful words " I think I met a girl, and I need to see if she is the one." My heart dropped about 50 feet. I was so devastated I did not even have a reaction I just sat there breathless, speechless, just mind boggled. My world that was once so perfect in its own confusing way was over.
Well what else can you do besides try to figure things out in this type of situation, but that is when the hardest part came. Who would I talk to about it. My best friend in the world is the guy who did this to me. None of my other friends or family for that sake understood my relationship at all and thought it was kind of dumb and pointless. They did not believe that you could fall in love with someone that you had never met or touched. They were all worthless when it came to helping me. That is when I realized it was all up to me. I had to figure this out all alone.
At this point I had never felt like my life had sucked so much ever. I could not eat, or sleep, or even dream. All I could do was cry and cry and cry. I never knew that I could cry so much. To hear a song or see a car or a movie that reminded me of "J" would kill me inside.
So long story short we both had a hard time dealing with it, he would tell me that he loved me and he could not face losing me out of his life forever and that we had to stay friends. I agreed and tried, and I am still trying.
We have sat many hours and cried but it was not working anything out, we were just crying alot and getting really high phone bills so it was at this point that I came to a realization. I had to move on just like he did, I had to find someone to love me again.
The thought of someone tearing up my heart again was unthinkable but I knew I had to face it again or I would become one of those horrible bitter old women who hates men and I knew I did not want that.
So here I am working on living again. Working on trying to refocus my life. But "J" will always have a footprint on my heart.