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First crush... First love... First lover.
19 October, 2006
I was either 12 or 13,I don't remember very well, it was so long ago. I had previouslystarted learning the violin, after we moved I lost my instructor. Myparents decided to have one of my big brother's friend instruct me.He was kind, a little shy with cute features, devoted to music andhis violin. My lessons would usually take place in his bedroom. Hewas always nice with me but we never knew each other on our ownterms. I remember once he and I headed up towards his room for myweekly lesson and all of a sudden the TV in his living room blastedthe wedding bride theme. We both froze and blushed, thinking that hisfamily was implying something.
The lessons didn't lastfor too long, when I was 14 I changed instrument and never neededprivate lessons from him again. Very rare did I see him, but I didn'tmiss him, and never really had anything to get over.
... My first love...
During this time I hadstarted my education in a new school. I started to make an image ofwhat all the boys were like in my grade, a lot of them bullied me,those who didn't were too shy or kept to themselves.I didn't expect mythoughts about boys to change so suddenly when I started to learn theguitar.He was a new boy in theschool, he was a real people person, ever so popular. It was hard toimaging that the new kid was elected president of the grade his firstyear. I first hated him, like every other boy who bullied me, he waspopular and almost all the kids liked him. I though popular kids wereself centered and only though of their image. He was the first personto make me think that maybe not all boys were jerks. This happenedafter a basketball match in gym class, we were both heading towardthe water fountain for a drink. On the way back he stuck out hishand, he spoke out to me: “nice game”. I was shocked, I though hewas trying to make fun of me, I wasn't very good at sports. But notto be too disrespectful and have some sort of sport spirit, I shookhis hand and thanked him.From time to time hewould speak to me, lord knows why he would want to talk to anoutcast. He turned out to be an okay person. I learned that hislocker was across from mine,where he sat in all the classes, even theone where he wasn't in mine (I could see him through the adjacentdoor). I learned he was fluently bilingual like me, he liked todoodle in his agenda and wanted to become a cartoon artist. He sangin my music class. Today I still have trouble remembering his face,but I will never forget he whore a ring on a small gold chain.I remember one day wewere having a discussion about how a lot of the kids smoked. I knewhe smoked too. But then he surprised me, he said to me that headmired me that I could put up with pressures, health and theconviction to never smoke. I was awed because the one I was admiringhad just told me he admired I. He told me I should doodle more in myagenda because he saw artistic potential in me.What kicked my crushwas back again at the gym for basket ball practice. We werepracticing shots. I was having a lot of trouble. He came up to me andoffered to help me out with some tips. I blushed when he touched myhand to show me how to hold the ball. At that point I knew I reallyliked him. Though I felt like there were lots of other girls wholiked him too, so I didn't try to hog him to myself. I knew I wasn'tthe prettiest girl, or the smartest girl or the popular girl, whatwould he want with me. So I watched. Almost all I did was watch him.It made me happy to see him each day.Near the beginning ofDecember there were rumors that started going around that he wasmoving or joining the army, I hated rumors, rumors were never true,there were mean rumors about me before, so I didn't believe a singleone of them. Besides, he was only a young teenager, he was too youngto join the army, and he had just moved this at the beginning of theschool year, it was way too early to move at this point. And so Icontinued to watch him, ignoring the rumors. I slowly started to fallin love with this bad boy. I became attracted to many of his featuresand aspects. At the end of December, we were having a Christmas show,my music class practiced a lot for it. He was supposed to sing at it,but he didn't go on stage after all. Maybe he had stage fright.Though I did see him at the party. I was backstage, in the dark,behind the stage curtains. He came up to me with an orange in hand.He said hi and we spoke briefly. All the other kids were in theirseats watching the show, it was just me and him, like an intimatemoment before I preformed. He offered me some of his fruit. It almostfelt like a date, or a fairy tail situation. Actually it was verymuch a fairy tail situation. To imagine I was having time alone withthe person I admired before my show, getting encouragement and goodluck. That was the moment I felt like I was in love.The show ended soonenough and I headed home, I couldn't wait for school to start againso I could see him more.But I never did see himagain.After I realized thathe wasn't going to attend classes anymore I was struck so hard withpain and heartache. I cried for him for days, and morned his absencefor 4 years, in hopes that I would see him again. To this day I stillwonder if he liked me the way I liked him, if we could have had arelationship, and hope that he's achieved his dreams and that he'shappy.I drew his portraitonce and posted it on-line, with a message that he continues to be aninspiration to me and saying how much I loved him, in hopes that oneday he will receive that message and know just how much he meant tome.
...My first lover.
I met him trough mysister's school group in college. I though he was a cool guy andwanted to get to know him and be friends with him. I wasn't focusedon finding a boyfriend at the time. Withing a could of weeks of ourfirst meeting we hooked up. We got serious in the relationshipquickly enough, though I didn't put out before a few months. We movedin together after knowing each other for 10 months. We've beentogether now for more then 4 and a half years.Sadly enough though, wemight be at the brink of a breakup. He's currently notspeaking to me and has been the way for the past couple of days. Idecided to figure out how I was at this time in my life, what myfeelings are. I need to be true to myself if I want to follow theright path. I sent him an email that I still loved him, that I didn'tthink I'd ever stop loving him, even if we parted because if hedoesn't love me back it won't change how I feel about him.The last time we had afight, we were going about how we invested over 4 years of our livesin this relationship. But now I don't see it as invested time, I seeit as 4 and a half years I got to spend with someone I loved so much.And that I was lucky to have been able to do so and thanked him forspending all those years with me.And now the dice are inhis hands to find out what our faith will be. If he loves me we'llget through this. If he finds he doesn't love me, I'll make one lastact to make him happy and move out.
As I write this I notice a lot of aspects my first crush and love have in common withmy first lover, physical aspects as does his personality. And I find thatthere is no mistake about it, I love him. Whether or not he returns these feelings.