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First comes love, next comes heartache

08 April, 2002

I met my husband in college and we were married in 1985. We gave birth to three children: Two girls and a boy. 14, 9, and our son is 7. Our marriage was never normal, but I learned to live with negatives and the positives.

I didn't believe in divorce, and I was determined to keep our marriage together. In 1996, my husband cheated on me for a while. I was devastated, but I was determined to keep my marriage together. The other women eventually drifted out of his life, and he said that he wanted to keep the marriage together too. But, he didn't work at anything.

He traded in the other women for adult pornography. I was sick to my stomach with his excessive behaviour. And it was obsessive, he was purchasing materials in the hundreds of dollars, for his pleasure only. I would enter a room that he was alone in and he would shut off the TV. He would usually snap, "What do you want?", and I would leave the room. He eventually began his own website, and constantly participated in chat rooms.

I know that many men get into this pornography thing, but my husband had a beautiful wife, and we had a very good physical relationship.

The pornography was so overwhelming, and it had completely separated him from me and his children. I told him to leave and get some counselling. We tried to do some counselling together, but his explanation was always, he did nothing wrong, it was my interpretation of the whole matter. I personally was exhausted with trying to fix everything, and I gave up. Our divorce was final in Dec. 1998.

I have had some lessons to learn: How to like myself?, What is love?, and how do you recognize real love? Is love imaginary? The battles of being a single Mother, and the panicky feeling of being alone. Listening to pathological liars who are spilling out tear jerking stories of how beautiful I am, and how much he wants to get to know me, and we are soul mates. Now, I have a new lesson, trust what I know is good for me, and not to let anyone divert my decisions.

My heart is numb, and I am tired. I have gained weight since my divorce. About 30lbs extra. I think it is a psychological way of discouraging men from giving me attention. It hasn't stopped, I still get attention.

I am confused at what the love story looks like. I think that being single raising three children is easier than having a partner in my life.

I am still single, love is out there somewhere, but it will come into my life, and my children's lives when the time is right. And it will be the right person for all of us.

I have made some of the same mistakes over and over. I have seen some re-run relationships. "Hey same people, different faces." It is time to take a look at why I am doing the re-runs, and make better decisions.

I am surprised at all of the dysfunctional, self centred men available. The thought of dating another one, gives me the chills.

First comes love to myself, and my children, and next brings something a little more healthier.

Take care all!

"School of Hard knocks"

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