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First Love...

30 September, 2008

After reading some sad love stories tonight, i have realized that i myself could share something about the thing we call “love”

A year ago I fell in love with this guy, his name is Jessie, he is my school mate and a senior,.. it wasn’t a “love at first sight” the special feeling I had for him was nurtured and grew when we became, friends. I knew from the very start that even if he falls for me too,there will be no chances for the two of us, because that’s what his religion’s beliefs. yes!I am a catholic and he has a different kind of religion, that is totally against with us catholics.They totally disallow any romantic relationship to anybody outside their religion and definitely that includes me.

I knew this from the very beginning but still I let myself fall deeply in love with him..i showed him love, and i was never afraid to show him I care. It looked like I was really courting him that time, and I was so lucky because he never took advantage of what I feel for him. those moments i have spent with him, were the happiest moments of my life.

Months past, and our friendship grew stronger, that I didn’t even noticed that we both share that special feeling,, I knew he already loves me more than a friend,

but I wasn’t expecting him to ask me to be his girl coz I know he will never disobey his parents and his religion i know how faithful he is.. I was happy with what we had, what matters to me is him beside me..

Valentine’s day came, for most of our friends it was a very special day for them, for those who has their own Valentinos and Valentinas,..but for me and Jessie it was just an ordinary day

because only catholics believes in saints….. I spent the whole morning preparing some school activities for the student body, facilitating some dating games and activities.

I must admit I expected him to give me flowers, or chocolates, or ask me to dance with him in the “sway with me booth” but, I hate the fact that it will never happen!! I hated myself for expecting something impossible to happen!!..lunch time that day that we had a little misunderstanding, it was just a small reason, but because of what I felt that day I cried! I walked out , went to the “sway with me” room and locked up,I cried for hours. he tried to approach me and ask for apology but i refused to talk to him, not because I hate him, but because I hate myself for feeling what I feel..

I didn’t know he was also hurt, and it causes him pain seeing my cry, so he went out of the school! and that made my day more miserable, i also want to go home but I can’t there are lots of school events I need to facilitate.. so I kept myself busy and tried to enjoy the rest of the day with the activities and with my close friends who knew everything that’s happening with me and Jessie..

At the end of the day at around 6:00 p.m, the Valentine’s Day celebration is almost over, I was with my group of friends and some of our school mates, sitting at the lobby of our school listening to non-stop love songs, when I saw him came in.

He looked so different and I felt somethings gonna happen.he went straight to one of the vacant room, and few moments later his friend approached me and asked me to get inside the room.

I was really feeling uneasy that time, but I was sure that he is just going to apologize, so I came in.

I sat in front of him, and he didn’t say anything he just looked at me, stared at me for so long, that made me feel so nervous, and then I told him ” i am sorry if i made you feel bad this morning, I over reacted, don’t worry I am fine now ok?so let’s forget about it”

I tried to touch his face, but he grabbed my hand and hold it gently, and then there was silence,

I asked him “are you ok?” then he started saying” i don’t know what to say, i don’t know how to start this one, ahmm…I have never felt this way before, I know this is wrong but, can you give me the chance to love you? and be your man?” I was really out of words,,,, there was silence again then I asked him” are you sure? i mean what about your parents? your religion?“,.. then he answered “I don’t know,, let’s just see what’s gonna happen, the

important is how I feel for you” .. then with all my heart, I told him ” you knew from the very start how much i cared for you and how much I loved you, I was just waiting for this, thought it will never happen,, but why did you wait for so long ? and why this day?“.. then he answered

“because I don’t want you to think that I am just taking advantage of you, and I waited for this day because I know this is a special day for you“.I felt like i was in the cloud nine,

then the we hugged each other so tight, I never felt happier we hugged in silence for a few minutes and that’s when some of our friends and even teachers came in and saw us !! they were soo happy for us, because just like me they are only waiting for that day to happen for both of us…

Few days later February 23, we celebrated our birthday! yes, we have the same birthday! it was the happiest birthday i had, and then the following days, and months were amazing.His family didn’t know about us, and mine too. his because of the religion and mine because my dad doesn’t want me to have a bf yet, it was a sort of secret relationship nobody knows outside the school!

he graduated march, and I really cried during his graduation ,coz I thought won’t be seeing him often,but to my surprise the following school year, he enrolled again to another course in our school,

so that well be together again. but a month later, a new student from their church found out about us, she reported him to the church,and the church started investigating about us, his mother would come to school and ask from our teachers and staff, good thing they are on our side, they never confirmed anything, i didn’t know that Jessie is having a real hard time whenever he gets home, his parents won’t stop asking him, and even his church mates treated him differently. and that new student started spreading bad rumors about me in their church like I have a bad attitude, and she made up some stories about me,that gave Jessie’s parents a very bad impression on me.

one night Jessie sent me a text message and told me the we need to talk, it was 4 days before our 6th Months..I was feeling kinda worried, the following day i was expecting a lonely Jessie, but it wasn’t the look i was expecting. I knew about the hardships and the difficult situation he is going through, but he never let it show. he tried to show me that everything is fine and that he can handle things. we went out to lunch together and then we tried to avoid talking about the topic.

when we went back to school, that’s when he told me everything and he told me, we need to pretend that we already broke up, that’s what he said to his family,, and that we will just see each other and continue our relationship secretly.

He asked me to agree with him, but i didn’t.. not because i don’t love him anymore but because i don’t want a secret relationship and i don’t want him to disobey his parents just because of me.

we are still so young to get into this kind of situation. so i broke up with him, i told him “if we are meant for each other, love will find its way, and destiny will allow us to be back in each other’s arms, when the right time comes and in the right place“

and he agreed to me, but we never cried, we tried to smile, i tried to control myself from bursting into tears coz i don’t want him to feel bad, I don’t want him to hate his parents because of me.. the last thing i remembered him saying is that “friends??” then he reached out his hands to me, and we hugged.. it was a very long hug, that even caught everybody’s attention but i didn’t care. and then he told me “don’t cry ok? please? don’t cry? do it when i am not here please?” then i nodded yes. That’s it the bell rang and he went to his class and i went straight to the ladies room and cried alot..It was the most painful day of my college life, pain caused by love..

The next days and weeks went by so fast, i was elected the student body president,and i started to become so busy with my studies and the school activities i have organized. and he was busy with his school too, we tried to talk to each other from time to time, exchange text messages

I never stopped loving him,, even if I had 3 more boyfriends after him in my last year in college,. I didn’t hooked up with those guys because i loved them, i know its wrong but i only used them to forget about Jessie I tried to seek love from others so that I could forget the feelings I have for Jessie.

when Jessie found out about my new boyfriend, he was hurt he even sent me a letter saying that he regret the day that he let go of me, and that he was sorry that he wasn’t able to fight for me , fight for our love. and that the only thing that keeps him in school is his love for me.

i felt guilty but i need to put an end to my feelings for him, it’s for our own good..few months before my graduation Jessie stopped schooling, and i don’t know what happened to him…

2 months after my graduation, i heard from a common friend that his family moved to another province and that he already has a girlfriend, someone from their church.

I know he is part of my past, but i never regret the day I met him and I will always treasure the days we have spent together, to short but too memorable, and I know he will always have a special place in my heart!

My first love! JESSIE….

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