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Final Goodbye

23 October, 2008

Last year, i was raped at my friends sweet sixteen birthday party and i felt like my entire world just fell apart that day....like nothing in my life mattered anymore. For a while i even wanted to die....until i met him.

His name was Jeffrey. At first we were just friends. But later we decided to start dating and just get to know eachother. We talked alot and he helped me through everything that i was going through. When i wanted to cry, he made me laugh. When i wished to die....he made me live. In a way, he was like a miracle. He became my life and i became his. I did everything for him and he did everything for me. He was not only my boyfriend, but also my best friend.

Things were just so perfect between us...i should have known that perfect never lasts. One day, he told me that he didn't want to date me anymore and when i askd him why, he told me taht he liked this girl Katie. That day, he made me a promise that froze the blood in my vains. He promised me that he loved me and always would but its just better to go our seperate ways and just be friends. Although i was upset, i only wanted him to be happy so i forced myself to get over it.

A few weeks later, he came back to me. He said he made a huge mistake and that he wanted a second chance. So we began dating again and everything fell back into place, just like before. It felt like nothing had ever changed and it just felt so right. I would have done anything to keep it that way.

However happy i was, he did not feel the same way. So once again, he told me that it would just be better for us to just be friends. I was crushed and hurt, still wondering what i ever did wrong and wondering what i did to deserve this. It hurt even more when i found out that he liked my best friend, Kris and that she liked him back. I didn't want a boy to prevent me and Kris being friends so i pretended like i didn't care. Everyone knew i was upset and hurt and for a while, many people(even Jeffrey's friends) were mad at him. I felt like a hundred knifes were being stabbed through my heart. I tried so hard....i did everything i could to try and hide the pain i was feeling. I did not want Jeffrey to know that he had hurt me. he had enough problems going on at home...i would feel bad adding on to his problems.

About three weeks later, Jeffrey came back to me AGAIN. And il never know exactly why i did it, but i took him back. We were so close as friends, taht it made it hard to get over eachother. He was still my everything.....and when it came down to it, i was still his everything, too. But for a while, i was afraid to let my guard all the way down. I was afraid of getting hurt again. But he was still my best friend, so it didn't take long to fall for him again. I trusted him completely.

Things were going good between us for the last couple months of school. However, i was worried about what would happen when our 8th grade year ended. He would go off to one high school and i would go off to a different high school. And then what? I knew things weren't going to work out, so i tried to prepare myself for what was coming.

Finally the day that i was dreading came. He was cruel about it. He was mean that day. That caught me offguard. I was talking to my friend Paul, who was on Jeffrey's baseball team. Pul and Jeffrey were hanging out that day and they were joking around. Jeffrey told Paul to tell me that he was breaking up with me, so Paul did. Paul thought it was just a joke and that's the only reason he did it. Yes i cried...because i knew deep down that it wasn't a joke. This was really going to be the end. Then Jeffrey texted me and told me that it was only a joke and tahat he wasn't really breaking up with me. I didn't believe him. But i just waited. About half an hour later, he TEXTED me, telling me that it really was over. I cried so hard. I felt like the world just stopped. Paul yelled at Jeffrey and wouldn't stop telling me how sorry he was and that he didn't know. At that point, i didn't care. In my eyes, nothing mattered anymore. My life was worth nothing. I didn't see, didn't feel....everything was gone, except my broken heart with its uneven beats. I willed it to slow down to a stop....to fall into an endless sleep. But obviously if that had happened, i wouldn't be here to tell my story.

It is now almost a year later and although i no longer like Jeffrey, the love i feel for him as friends has not changed, although i do not let him know this. I cannot forget how things were and i cannot let go of the good times. I've tried to forget...but nothing i seem to do helps. So i thought it would be nice to try again. I don't want my past to stop me from moving on and living my life. So i started dating this junior, Josh, not that long ago. I really liked him and he really liked me. The problem was that i couldn't stop comparing him to Jeffrey and no matter what i told myself, i couldn't get past the fact that i didn't like him nearly as much as i liked Jeffrey. No matter what i did, it kept coming back to this. So eventually i broke up with Josh. He was my last chance. I don't want anymore guys in my life. Not now and not anytime soon. I hope that this is something taht i will eventually get over.

Please comment and let me know what you think.

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