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Facing the end

12 November, 2002

Why am I crying like this? I guess because in the back of my mind I was hoping we could still save this sinking ship, or maybe because I realize that I was kidding myself by thinking I would feel nothing… but I do, I feel hurt and angry and scared, but its over, it is finally over. You made the decision for me at the end and gave me the push that I needed, the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I thought I would feel 100% relieved, but I’m not, I'm bitter that it had to come to this, I’m disappointed that we could not make this work, but above all, I'm angry at you, perhaps unjustifiably so, but still I am angry, because you didn't listen or if you did you didn't care enough to change, to work at this, we could've been alright, been a team, play happy families forever, buy a house, the whole catastrophe. All a dream, all a dream…

Sometimes I think I hate you, I have never written this before, it scares me, how I can't feel anything in between towards you, both extremes are so strong, so consuming, I have wanted to be free for so long, now we are forever connected by an angel.

How can you take me for granted like this? It hurts too much, it hurts too much!

So much for taking the civilised approach, I am a mess at the moment. Is this normal? To be expected? Why can't I be strong one, the calmed one, the logical one? Why do I crumble when the moment of truth arrives? Do I need a speech? Something I can memorize? A script to stick to? And what would I say? Lets see…

We have been together for over four years now, long enough to know that things are never going to be right between us, long enough to know that what we are holding on to isn't real, that there is no love left, that we are better off apart. God, please help me - give me strength to finally break free from these chains.

I want to believe everything will be alright, and that my little girl and I will find the courage to keep going strong by ourselves.

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