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Eternally Clueless

13 January, 2009

it's been a long time since Cupid and I met, but i dream of him often lately. i am married now but hekeeps coming back in mydreams. it had bothered me many times but notenoughto affect mylife. i kept these all to myself but i think i need to share my story as an outletfor my subconscious.

it was a complicated story, i was 4 years older than him and he was one ofmy seniorstudents. he was 17 and i was 21. we had so many good times, we were friends and we hang out a lot together. he used to accompany me in going home, until we got to the point of almost"dating."we hadthe greatest time together during christmas break. it was only a day, but it was worth a thousand memories.

how i feelfor him that time was unnatural. it was a different feeling. we seldom talked, we never held hands - except for times when we accidentally brushed the other's hand while walking. we did not need any physical contact at all, BUT we felt each other's presence. we could understand each other by our mere presence. it seemed like our heartbeats could talk. we read each other's mind, loved the same things, felt the same emotions whenever we are together. he always voiced his feelings but i hid mine. it was not the right time.i needtosuppress my feelingsbecause of our situation. but i was determined to wait until he finished high school (thoughi did not tell him that). a few months of hiding what i really felt for him was tolerable.

but after that glorious 'date', he changed.when classes resumed the following year, he just stopped talking to me. he was back to being my student. i was hurt. i wasa fool. i blamed myself because i was so certain of how i feel for him but i never showed any trace. worse, he never talked to me, he never tried to explain why he just detached himself. i was left clueless. i was dumped. period. it was so painful, but i tried to cope. thanks to a man who stood by my side during those moments. he became my husband.

one thing i learned from what transpired between me and Cupid was not to have unfinished businesses in life. avoid making 'what ifs' over and over again. the memory of Cupid keep coming back in my dreams because i was not able to tell and ask him why we ended that way. and it seems that all my questions will be left unanswered forever. and i should be used to the fact that i will dream of him from time to time.

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