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Don't open your heart, too soon
14 September, 2007
After falling in love twice in my life and having my heart crushed, I vowed not to fall in love again....yet I did. I had the doors to my heart shut tight and kept it that way for a long time. Sometimes taking pride in my ability to keep it shut and avoiding being hurt again. I met her at work. She's unhappily married(husband is an alcoholic) with two kids. I have a live in girl friend who I don't love, never have, she rather put her friends ahead of me anyway. One thing lead to another and against my better judgement I fell in love with her. She said in an email that she had fallen in love with me, but she won't say the words to me verbally. She would tmessage me at least once a day to let me know she's thinking about me and email me at least once a day, sometimes very long messages(which I like). Somehow, something has changed, she doesn't tmessage me even though I do and she doesn't email me unless I tell her. She used to kiss me passionately when she came to work in the morning and no one was arround, now I'm lucky if she even comes to my area, when she does she doesn't kiss me and acts like there's nothing between us. I tell her she's beautiful everyday, how much I'm wild about her and, despite the fact that she doesn't say she loves me, I tell her I love her. This and other little difference in her behavior make me feel like she's not as interested in me like she use to be. So hard to get her to open up and let me know if there is something wrong. She says there isn't, but her actions don't support her statement, and I'm feeling like I'm being a nuisance when I tell her how special she is to me. I don't know what's going on and my heart is starting to feel lonely again. She knows how hard it was for my heart to open up, even though I fought it. Now I wish I'd never fallen in love with her. Maybe I opened my heart too soon. I want to close it again and this time throw away the key. For know, not knowing what's going on inside her is breaking my heart. I will try to push the the doors shut again, but it will take time. I hope I can do it before I go crazy, cause I don't know what else to do. Perhaps, she's ready to break it off and doesn't know how to tell me. I wish I never fallen in LOVE!!!!