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Could it be karma?

14 September, 2007

As we get older, we come to realize that there is only person in our life who we truly love. Sometimes, when we realize this, it is too late. Either that person has already moved on, or things have changed so much between the two of you that it is too late to turn things around. That one person who I fell in love with, and still do love is my old best friend Zain. We both met for the very first time in the computer lab in our old high school. We were introduced by mutual friends, but at that time we both did not really pay attention to one another. Later, we ended up having a class together. We rarely talked then, too. It wasnít until sophomore year in high school when things between us really started to change. I found out through a couple of friends that he really liked me. I returned those feelings, but they werenít as strong as his feelings toward me. Zain and I dated for about two weeks. We were always so nervous around each other that it didnít seem as if we even had chemistry. This bothered me for quite some time, so I ended it with Zain. I made up an excuse that I cheated on him with my ex-boyfriend who had come into town. I did this so he could dislike me so that way it would be easier for Zain to get over me because from what everyone had told me, it seemed that he really loved me. Actually till this day, Zain still believes that I did really cheat on him, when in truth my ex-boyfriend wasnít even in town. But I would laugh about the situation, acting like it really did happen. And I knew that hurt Zain. But regardless, Zain and I still managed to stay friends. About two to three weeks later I started dating a friend of Zainís. This really ruined things between Zain and me for a while. We had stopped talking for about one month, until I approached him. I cleared everything between us and we were okay. About a month later, Zainís friend and I broke up. I was crushed at first, but Zain was there to comfort me. This pattern continued for about the next two years. Whenever I did something wrong or stupid, Zain was always there for me. From then on, we both had a strong emotional connection. Zain and I got very close in the past few years. We would share everything with each other. We fought a lot. We both always brought out the worst in each other. But we could never stay mad at each other for too long. He was the one person in my life who I could trust with my eyes shut. Just last year in October, I left my house because of some very serious family issues I was having. Zain was the first person who I contacted. Within minutes Zain came to pick me up from a gas station I called him from. I spent the night in his comforting arms. Just being there with him made me forget about everything at home. Zain dropped me off at a hotel the next day. After he left I called home and spoke with my father. I came to know that things had were calmer, so I decided to go back home. I instantly called up Zain and started crying to him on the phone. He was so comforting even over the phone. Zain has done a lot more than just this for me, things I can not even repay him for. Zain has been dating a girl for about two years now. At first this didnít bother me, but about two months into their relationship, when I saw them together in public for the first time at a friendís birthday party, it hurt me a lot. But I never said anything to him. Even though he had a girlfriend, he would always tell me that he loves me. When I would start talking to another guy, Zain would get jealous. We were so close, and yet we had not done anything physical. It wasnít until last year that we had become physical. I still remember the first day I kissed him on his cheeks. There was a fashion show during our senior year in high school which Zain and I both participated in. we were both backstage and he looked very handsome, so I kissed him on his cheek. And then the first time we actually made out was last year. In fact I still remember the exact date. It was December 19, 2006. I was seeing someone at that time, but my heart was not into him. My heart belonged to Zain, and I realized it then. I cried on the phone to Zain and he expressed his feelings to me as well. We both really liked each other and cared for each other. He told me that we could make it happen and it was all up to me. He said that it had always been my call to make. But I could not go through with it, regardless of how we both felt. I knew that we both were with someone. We kissed and promised to remain friends forever. We would often talk online or over the phone. But earlier this year, in January, Zain and I stopped talking. We both donít know what the reason for this was. We would see each other places but would never say a single word to each other. During this time, I ended it off with the guy I was with, and I needed someone to comfort me; I needed Zain but he wasnít there this time. Eventually in early April, I had enough. I went to see Zain at his work and asked him to take his break with me. We talked and not even fifteen minutes passed before we picked up from where we left off at. We shared everything that happened with us in the past three months. And once again, we became close. This time I decided that I was not going to lose him. I told him that I had feelings for him and he told me he still cared for me and liked me. Zain and I decided to actually act upon our feelings for the first time. It was April 17. Zain picked me up from college and we both went to a parking lot where no one could see us. We acted upon our feelings, but were not able to make love given the short amount of time we both had. We spent a little less than an hour kissing and just holding each other. After that day, we had become comfortable around each other. We would often kiss and he was finally able to touch me without hesitation. We were still just friends, stuck in the middle of being friends who had very strong feelings for each other, but were not in a relationship. We made love for the very first time on May 16. I still remember all the days we ever did anything. It is all so special to me that no matter how hard I try to forget it all, I just canít. I donít know what started to go wrong with the two of us. He has changed so much. I donít even know him anymore. He lies about so much. He lies about being in a relationship with his girlfriend. He told me that the two are not together. That is why I did not have any hesitations, like before, when I did make love with him. But they are together. Not only that, Zain has changed physically. He looks a lot better than before. I do not go for a guy because of his looks. Zain used to be pretty heavy weight when the two of us were dating. It wasnít until last year that Zain lost weight. I think with the physical change, he has changed as a person too. He has become very conceited, always putting me down, making me feel that he is too good for me. He does not talk to me the right way in public. Only when the two of us are together alone, he touches me. Otherwise he does not even give me a hug. I guess itís karma that is finally stepping in for hurting Zain. But can my karma be really that horrible? I have gotten hurt in more ways than one. I think that I have gotten my karma pretty good, but I guess Iím wrong. Zain and I are not as close as we used to be. I thought that our physical relationship would get us closer, but it has only torn us apart. We barely talk like we used to. Every time we do see each other we act upon our physical feelings. I donít even know if Zain has any feelings left for me. I do know that I still care for him the way I used to. In fact my feelings for him have only gotten stronger. I didnít realize all this until now. I took advantage of Zainís kindness. I took the only person who truly loved me, just for being me, for granted. And now that everything has changed between us, I want to tell him so badly that I love him. I have never told him how I really feel about him. In fact, I have never been able to admit it to myself either until now. I am in love with Zain. He is the only person who I have ever loved with all of my heart. I have been in a few relationships before, but I have never gotten so close to anyone or even felt the way I feel for Zain. It takes no time to fall in love but it takes years to know what love really is. Iím not too sure if we are ever going to get any better, but I do know that my feelings for him will not change. We have been through a lot together in the six years we have known each other. I can not just forget everything and act like it never happened because it did happen. I miss what Zain and I shared, both emotional and physical. I miss how he would make me feel. He would instantly bring a smile to my face when I was down. He was my stability, my courage, my hero, my everything. I miss Zain.

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