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Confession about a Heartbreak

12 August, 2007

After reading some selections and common opinions about love, I made a deep evaluation of the feeling that I have for you since I was 4th year high school. Neither of us wants me to feel this. It just came up that I wasn't able to refuse. †Was it just an infatuation? Why does it take me this long? For 2 long years, I have always kept this feeling inside. For 2 years, I have always kept this story going in my circle of friends. That you were my ex-boyfriend who started to be just a fling but ended in my loss because it is me who played with you and hurt you and broke off with you when I discovered that Iím falling for what supposed to be a toy. That until now, I still suffer for what I feel for you and that itís already too late because youíve made your way out of my life. Now, I am the miserable one.†What a nice and cutting storyÖand a flight of the imagination. The simple fact is that you and I are just friends. All my college friends and coworkers believed that make-believe until now. This fantasy became a reality in the face of others. You donít know about this that is why I pity you. Iím always thinking, ďwhat if my friend is also your friend and that he tells you about me and you about the fraud that I did?Ē What will be your reaction? Probably, youíd be gnashing your teeth about it. Maybe you would want me to go to hell at that very moment especially if your girlfriend would make out to this fraud that I did. You could sue me perhaps. I am not ye prepared for it, but who knows that time will come.†The only reason that I can tell you if youíll ask me why I did that mirthful yarn, because I want to feed my fantasy, since it is the only way that I can reach you.†After my graduation, we never met. All of your sweetness flashed back in my mind like a rewinding movie. The day when we never saw each other because I was busy preparing for my graduation and in the afternoon, you saw me and ran towards me and hugged me because you missed me. That afternoon when I was eating a salad and you want to have some too but donít want to hold the spoon to feed yourself. So, like a baby I was the one who fed you using my own spoon. The spoon came from my mouth to yours several times. We look like lovers sharing one food. That was so sweet that I noticed the people looking at us. I also remember when we slept in an Internet cafť together with my two close friends. Also, the time when you treated me to a fast-food chain and we decided to run away from our other friends and ate the food-just the two of us. That was when you told me that you have a crush on me. My heart beat so fast that I didnít say a word. But you continued to tell me that your crush on me is the same with our other friends. You cleared it out that is was a sort of admiration. I told myself maybe that is also what I feel. When you told me that what you feel about my closest friend is different, my previous premise proved me wrong. ďPero iba si _____Ē was a sentence that stabbed me. It left my heart bleeding for 2 years now.†Each scene brought ache and bottomless longing of seeing you even just in a distance. Remembering you is always in the form of my daydream but the aforementioned events were true. The only memories that keep me smiling and crying. You can call me obsessed about you or whatever. I just need to have a glimpse of you each time I miss you. By the way, I miss you badly. No words could ever tell how much I wish that you were someone of whom I can run to when problems come to shake me. That itís your shoulder that I cry on when I feel like the world is on me. I wish that you are someone who will be there- even just as a friend. As usual, wishing and hoping is all I can do, and one more thing, daydreaming too.†I told myself so many things and speculations. To convince me that it may not be love that I have for you. Honestly, until now Iím still clueless. I keep telling myself, maybe Iím seeing another guy in you but not really you. Once I told myself, Iím just frustrated because youíre 2 years younger than me (I think).Too many written words in different forms (journals, diaries, poems, song, name it), too many attempts of forgetting you. But each time I strive to do that, I wonder why I dreamed of you when I almost made it to forgetting you. Is it my unconsciousness that keeps on bringing you back in my memory, heart and soul? Or is it because I canít run away from it unless I face it? I have always been facing it with tears and so much boldness that repeat on ripping my heart into pieces. I still go on until the day will come that my heart will be tired of locking your memories inside and will finally let them go. Only God knows when. Maybe after a year or a decade (I hope not). God knows how much I prayed that he will protect you.†Despite everything that I daydreamed about you, the heartbreaking fact is that aside from you not liking me, I have a lot of hesitations that made ďusĒ impossible. We can never be because we are not of the same religion, we donít believe in the same God. You donít know that your god is fake. I tried to tell you before but the feeling always pushed me back.†Seeing you getting worse after 2 years, it hurts me that you go out with awful friends. Who can tell you itís wrong to drink and smoke at an early age? No one because you can afford to be hospitalized, youíre rich. Yes, you are but you are down hearted, intelligent, kind, sweet, honest, innocent (at least, before) and most of all, caring. But now, the pictures of your parties and going outs with your friends tell me that you are now different, that you are no longer the same person that I knew. I may not know your history before I met you but what I cared about is how youíll live your life from this day onwards. Well if I will not finish this confession, it will go on infinite so Iíd rather end by telling you that I really cared about every inch of your being.

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