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Come see my cage
05 June, 2008
I'm not sure why I'm doing this. But, it's late at night, I'm tired, I'm alone, and I can't work the feelings out in my head, so maybe putting them into words, for all you kind and understanding folks to read and criticise.
A brief outline, should suffice for a back ground.
I have developed these very strong feelings. I've never had these strong feelings before, I'm only 15, they are only 15, and I'm afraid to call it love. But, you see what happens when you slide into cold water, and all the air in your lungs seems forced out, and you start gasping, well, when I cast my eyes upon this person for the first time in a few days, that is exactly what happened.
So, with the feelings sort of summarised, now the practical details. As I've said, we're both 15, we both go the same school, both suffer the same exams and teachers. It's actually where I first saw them in concentrated periods, we are in the two of the same classes out of eight. I see them only at school, we used to get on quite well, but after developing these feelings, and other matters, I slipped into a bit of a depression, and I find it hard to talk to them.
A timescale, this month is June. I developed the feelings in late Feb, I knew them as a friend from the Autumn, roughly. The term ends in four weeks or so, and so does the school year. After the holidays, and in the next new school year, I doubt we'll be in the same classes, save for a small chance of one.
So, I won't see them much next year, aside from brief periods at lunch breaks, what I'm trying to say is that there won't be concentrated periods of seeing this person. But the more I'm away from them, the more my feelings develop, and the more I hurt.
Because, as you might have guessed, these feelings are one sided. Utterly and completely, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, I will not wake with them next to me. And it hurts so much, because they are the only one who could make me feel happy. Bullying has stopped me ever feeling happy in all the years I can remember.
Now, I'm wondering, as I watch the sand in the hourglass, should I tell them, should I confess?
If they reject me and my feelings? School becomes very awkward for the next four weeks, and whenever I see them, and our year sticks together as one entity at lunch breaks. Possibly an increase in bullying, possibly pushing me deeper into depression as all hope is crushed. Possibly getting rejected by my family for who i am if the word gets back to them of it, for it will surely become the 'talk of the town'. So, effectively, life falls apart as the small bits of safety in the places I spend most, home and school, are blown apart.
So, after stitching my heart back up, and wiping the blood off my monitor, I give you my conclusion. I ask you, should I tell them? Or should I keep my mouth shout and just waste away, in relative comfort?
This story is surely not finished yet. I thank you for even bothering to read this, but if you leave a comment, then you truly are kind. Thank you, and farewell.