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Come and Go (An almost perfect relationship_continuation)
16 November, 2008
I knew i was naive to actually conclude the relationship was over that time he left. I really though that was the end of it. But the following days were a bit of a contrast. Two days after i knew he left the island, i tried to reach him through a text message just to check if we still had the communication. But i wasn't intending to start a conversation at all. I got myself drunk that time and a serious conversation is the least thing i am capable of. So i typed "hi, i hope you're fine. Just give me a chance to explain when you're ready". That was it and then he called me. Damn! You can imagine how startled i was when i heard the phone ringing. I was afraid to answer him and make him know i was getting drunk.
The conversation was over 2 minutes after. He told me he'll be back but for now, he needed time to realize everything and get over the pain. Gosh, i was never the mushy type but everything about us always made me cry. I used to believe i was a strong person but when he came to my life, i stood corrected.
So of course i waited for days, without messaging him at all. I kept the pain in silence and went out with my friends during night-outs with the hopes of recovering the loneliness i felt when he was gone. Technically, he wasn't but it felt like it. I made myself preoccupied with work in the morning too just to avoid myself thinking of the consequences. Its hard to be rejected you know. There are so many things he could say when he comes back. He could tell me either he wants me back or wants me out of his life. I had to make sure it's the first one because its what i want as well. I had a pretty hefty investment here. I had my whole being tied on a string and that string is about to be cut if not prevented. Emergency!
One day, he messaged me he'd be back by noon the same day. Wow, in happy enough to know he wanted me to be aware but you see, im quite perplexed. I wanted to make sure he'll regret what he's done so i got myself drunk and i made cuts on my body. Emo sort of type. I waited that noon in the pier, but he didnt come. I felt crushed. Was that some sort of a joke? But then 4pm, i received a message from him saying he'd be arriving by 7. I wasnt about to go, but then he texted me minutes before 7 that he can see my house. (My house is overlooking the whole pier)
I dressed up directly without even asking permission to go and met him. I lied on the edge of the seawall. I was still drunk and i can feel the alcohol taking over my body. Then he saw me there. Like a senseless bitch waiting for somebody to pick me up. To my disbelief, he scolded me for doing that. No pity, no nothing! What?!!!
But then i asked him "why"...over and over again. He kept on answering "just forget about it. Lets just pretend nothing happened." Was it even possible? After crying my heart out for 2 days and drinking myself out for the whole week and he'll just tell me forget about it? I cant help but cry. It seemed to him like everything was a joke. And everything to me was my life and happiness. But i have to accept that. I had to.
Then after that, the story had its bright side. The whole set up was different. We hanged out frequently and we had a couple of first times. He met my parents for the first time, he fetched me from my house, our first argument because of jealousy, and so on. We went to a couple of tourist spots in the island and discovered a lot more stuff about ourselves. I thought were getting stronger and that were getting a bit of a closure already but then problems then aroused when i started studying last June. I had my attention with school and my organizations consumed. See, i am the president of 4 organizations and the vice of 2. I have an academic ranking in school to maintain as well. Damn this life. I had to make sure i still give him the attention but somehow he's quite not cooperating.
We had an argument by August just because of that. He accused me of seeing other men and that i prefer to be with my organization than be with him. That he's not important to me anymore and that i changed. I think it was him and not me.So to make the long story short, I'll tell you the ending scene.
Last November 1, there was a disco in our town. Of course, we're both party addicts so we were there. The thing is, when i saw him get inside,i was expecting that he would at least dance with me first. But what he did was dance with this woman 1 meter away from me! Can you imagine the anger that rushed through my whole being? I felt doomed and i cant help but cry. So i followed him when he went out and told him i hate him. Look, to make things clear, he wasn't my boyfriend. So im the one here who's acting a bit awkward. But see, we've been both single since our break up and weve been seeing each other the whole time so even though were not "in", i really think i have the right. I walked out and made a scene there because of that.
He followed me and told me that he was already trying to forget me but he can't. That he was afraid to love and accept me bacause maybe i will be the one to reject him if i knew the truth. The thing there, he never tried to tell me and that woman he danced with already knew and still took him. But why not try me? I got so disappointed that i wanted to kill myself right there and then. He was already my life that time and I felt murdered.
The next day, i spent the day crying myself out in front of him. He told me he was just playing with me and that everything was a lie. Am i bound to believe that? But i know, i should not believe him.
If he was just pretending all along, then why did he follow me the night before just to tell me he cant forget me?