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Broken heartsville

28 August, 2003

I really hope someone can help with my heartache.

When I graduated from high school, I moved from the Mid-west to the South-west. I started working a couple months later. At my work place, I met a guy from the South-east who also had just moved here. We were friends for a while and quickly began to realize our compatible personalities. We mirrored each other. We spent every minute together, work and personal time.

It was only a month or two later, we were an item. He was talking marriage and children. Any other time, I'd be like "hell no! Commitment!" For some reason, I was calm and cool with that idea. He wasn't like any other guy I've met. I trusted him and allowed him to be my first.

Six months after we met, he told me his room mate was moving back home and he couldn't afford to live here anymore. He had some pretty radical ideas on how he could make ends meet, but his irresponsibility with money wouldn't permit. Then, he wanted to elope. He figured this way, though we were 2,000 miles apart, he wouldn't loose me.
Instead, I moved to the South-east with him.

Cutting a long story short. I was there for four months living on next to nothing working at Wal-Mart. He broke the only rule I had, don't get drunk. So while he was passed out, I packed up my stuff, left a good-bye note and went back to the South-west.

We made up, but I wouldn't move back. I was enrolled in college. He flew here once and I flew there once. We lost touch after a while and I began experimented with dating other people (he didn't know). I had poor luck with that. I looked for him in every guy I met. It made me realize all the more, he's my soul mate.

I lost touch with him for four months but then began emailing him. After a month of emailing, he bought me a ticket to come visit him. I went there content with my life, without any men. I knew I'd fall for him again. We confessed our love for each other and even flirted with the idea of eloping.

Anyway, I know I'm babbling. After I came back to the desert, I told him I wanted a commitment. Now, it seems he's singing a different tune. I was recently offered a job in the Mid-west. I told him I wanted him to move in with me again. He said he can't afford it; but I knew that wasn't the problem.

I don't understand how he could tell me and convince me he wants to be with me, but when put to the test it is different. I don't know. He said he still loves me, a lot. He's very indecisive and doesn't have a lot of nerve. I can't live like this. Someone please help.

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