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Brannon I Still Love You
17 December, 2007
I might have been young and dumb then, but i'm not now, and this still hurts. You own my soul. I don't want it back, because it became something better when it got welded to yours. You're the best person i've ever met. The kindest, most understanding and forgiving, selfless person whose life i've ever inadvertantly ruined. We were the couple that was so obviously hopelessly in love with one another that people couldn't help but smile. Our bond was so strong that it actually affected other people, ones we'd only encountered. That's what happens when someone walks right into your heart and moves in. I'd never believed in fate until i met him.
We spent everyday together. We were constantly making out at the bar. It never got old. We held hands everywhere we went. We were a team. And we were the winning team. I've never been happier in my life. When ever he wrapped his arms around me it just felt like i was home. I realized that every other love i'd ever experienced was only merely infactuation. When we kissed the world disappeared, time stopped, and for the first time in my life i felt like i had everything right. I felt like my heart would only beat if he were near me. It physically hurt me when we were apart. When we made love, it was as if our souls were fusing, we were completely in tune with one another. And then i threw it all away.
Whatever came over me i'll never know. Maybe it was poor self-esteem that made me subliminally destroy the best thing that had ever happened to me. I turned him away and i destroyed him. Then once i'd realized what i'd done, i damn near threw myself off of a bridge. I swallowed all of my pride and threw myself at his mercy, begging him to take me back, it wouldn't happen again. Then i took it back, because i knew better. I was afraid i'd just do it again. Losing him didn't hurt nearly as bad as knowing that i'd hurt him. If i never saw him again, at least i'd have my memories to relive. And , with time, i'd even be able to disillusion myself into believing i was just doing what was best for him, but i never calculated the guilt of hurting him. I ripped his heart out. I let the team down. Now we were just free agents that no one wanted. We were only good when we were together.
That's when the jealously set in. He had found someone else. I knew that he deserved to be with someone that would never leave him like i did. I was so disappointed with myself for proving that i could never be that person. But i knew i could, i just didn't now why i wouldn't! You see, i was too young and inexperienced. I had not yet learned humiliation. And until i did i would never really be able to sympathize with anyone and be able to appreciate love. Stupid silly me.
He ended up turning to drugs. crack and crystal meth. Everytime i see him i get chills from still loving him, and from regret of ruining both of our lives. When we embrace to this day, it still feels like no time has passed, but theres so much damage done now we could never be what we were. the smack has changed him, he's addicted, and i'd never be strong enough to save him. Brannon, i'm so sorry.........please forgive your beloved jennybears. Please know i'll never be the same without you, and i will forever live in the memories we had. No one could ever replace you. it's been 9 years, and those memories are still the only things that bring me any joy. i hope someone can save you, i'm so sorry it couldnt be me...