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Blind faith

03 May, 2003

Last year I made a friend, online. We met through a popular chat room and had common factors such as we lived close (he in fact lived in a town I grew up in) we were both single parents and used the internet as a way of interacting with adults without the need for a babysitter! we could and often did talk for hours, he was in a relationship and I was still hiding from the world after the breakdown of my marriage, he disappeared offline for several months and as a friend I missed him.

In November he reappeared and we started chatting once more, he was having a tough time and I did what we would all hope a friend would do for us if we were to find ourselves in the same situation, and that was be there.

He intrigued me, he challenged me to think about things without my usual blinkers. We spent hours talking, every single day, I knew he was struggling but when he told me he'd had a breakdown I was concerned for him, I really did care about this man I'd never met. Christmas came and went and he'd gone to visit his sister and our internet chat was therefore limited, but we did talk on the telephone and I was shocked and confused at how much I missed him.

He arranged for his sister to keep his kids for a few days and we arranged to meet as friends and go out in the city I live in, it was the weekend between Christmas and New Year and we both needed a night out.

I was so scared, terrified that I wouldn't be anywhere near his expectations of me and as I saw him walking down the street with such trepidation this shy self-conscious man who thought so little of himself, scarred from the wounds others had inflicted on his heart, something within me relaxed.
We had intended on a night of pubs and clubs, but instead we sat in my house and had a few drinks and talked, this was my choice, I just didn't want to share him.
I had spent the past two and a half years being defensive when it came to emotion, fear of being hurt again was binding me. So when I felt that I was becoming more emotionally attached, the fear kicked in and I told him I couldn't do it any more, we talked and after some revelations on both our parts he drove, in the middle of the night to get me, as I stepped out of my door and I saw him sitting in the car waiting for me, looking so scared, I fell in love.
It was too late to turn back but too soon to voice so I kept it within, after all I was the person, who in the beginning did not want or need love and had made that clear.
So when one night as I was walking out of the room he said "I love you........ oh I better rephrase that!" I could of cried with sheer happiness but all I did was ask that he didn't rephrase it.
The way he looked at me, the way that we couldn't stand in the same room as each other without some physical contact, the way he made me feel was utterly right.

We come from different class backgrounds and I never ever saw it as an issue, but coupled with his own fear of failing and depression, he did. So we spent some time apart and it only strengthened my belief that we were supposed to be together, I stopped functioning. So when he called and we talked we agreed not to give up. Things were amazing, he is such a special person and every time I looked at him I loved him more, I could sit in utter silence with him, just looking at him and feel complete. His kids gained a special place in my heart, and the love they showed me took my breath away at times.

The love I'd had for my husband paled by comparison and I was left questioning if I had, in fact ever loved him at all. This feeling that Colin evoked in me was like nothing I'd ever known, emotion I didn't think previously I was capable of all came forth for him, I'd questioned in the past the existence of there being one perfect person for everyone and now I wasn't so sure, could there be anyone more perfect for me out there? I didn't think so and I didn't want to look, he to me was everything I never knew I always wanted.
So when he told me he had feelings for this woman he'd been talking to online, and felt he had to meet her and explore it, I was devastated, he was everything to me and although he told me he loved me, he couldn't be with me till he figured out what this emotion he felt was, it was also the day I found out I was pregnant. I visited him the following evening and he assured me that he had to do this and he had to meet this other woman, and I knew in my heart that I could not mentally cope with another child alone, and I knew that he didn't want any more kids so with his blessing I had a termination, not something I am proud of, in fact something I doubt I'll ever forgive myself for, but given the information I had at the time it seemed the only sensible option.
He met this woman and all they felt online was there in real life, and I felt like my world had ended, the only thing that kept me going was the blind faith that he would come back to me. His kids send me text messages telling me how much they miss and love me, and my desire to wrap them in my arms and tell them everything is going to be all right is great, but to be honest I'm not sure if it is. They have spent a lot of time together and I know that he loves her, yet he openly admits to still loving me, he saw me as a challenge, one he thought he would fail. So instead of trying and coming to the realisation that I was never a challenge because I was always his, he quit, his fear of failing was so great.

They are preparing to move in together and live as a family unit, and yet the burning need to hold on a little longer to the ideal that he will come back to me is what keeps me standing today, maybe I'm wrong, I probably am, maybe he will never come back, maybe he will never look at me again in the way that used to make me want to cry with sheer joy, maybe I'm holding on instead of letting go, but I have no choice, blind faith is my crutch and its keeping me upright for the time being, I hope the day comes that I wake and I'm no longer crippled by the pain of missing him, when I can go to sleep easily without tears stinging my eyes with the sheer weight of what I had and lost again, but I suspect that day will not come unless his head is on the pillow next to mine.

I can still smell him, hear him in my head, I can close my eyes and feel him around me, but he is not here and he cannot see me and what I have become, he cannot understand that I feel such loss because he never thought he was worthy of the love, never thought he was good enough, and yet through my eyes he was and still is everything.
I don't know how to get over him, I don't even think I want too, people like Colin come into our lives once, I was the one who failed, not him, because he never knew exactly how much I loved him.

Do I regret it? no I will never regret loving when I thought my heart was dead, and I will never regret loving the man who broke it again, I forgave him the instant he did it
and now I walk hand in hand with blind faith, praying that one day he will realise that the part of my heart I gave him had never been given before and will never be given to another.

I love him despite the fact I sit here in tears and I hope one day he will return, because anyone else, for me, is second best.

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