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Bleak hope

11 October, 2003

I met her almost two years ago, she was cold and slightly mean. Until you got to know her. She was a whole lot of fun, we became best friends, spending every chance we got to be together.

I don't know when my crush actually started, but one night, not too long after she'd said she'd kissed a girl... "So, Leah, did you Really kiss that girl?" I asked, looking at her threw the veil of my hair. "Well...no..." She blushed and looked down. There was a little pause before I smiled. "Well...if you wanted to, we could do an experiment, just to see if you like it... I mean, we could kiss, and if you don't like it just forget it all happened." She didn't respond, so I spoke again "Well?" "Well, I didn't say no." So, getting up from the floor, I sat down in front of her on the bed. Grabbing her chin, I pulled her lips to mine in a small kiss that set our skin afire.

We went on, keeping our love a secret. It was hard, and we had our ups and downs, normally when she was dating a boy. But for the most part we were so happy, but one night it all started to unravel. I kissed her again, and we moved apart, still warm from love making. That's when her brother Roger knocked on the door. "What are you two doing in there?" He asked, his beady eyes accusing. We shrugged, and said nothing. He got his mother, Tracy. We were kept up for two hours talking. Just running in circles. I'm not used to keeping things from people, so, I said yes we had dated once, that might have been the biggest mistake of my life.

From that moment on, we were limited seeing each other, outside of school. We'd kiss in the bath room, any chance we got, but when summer started I got my first boyfriend. Which just made the tear of distance deeper for each of us. And though I broke up with him, nothing was ever the same. Eventually she started to date him. She'd go for spells of not talking to me, disapproving of me. Because I smoke, or got high. I would go threw spurts of not caring then the next moment be broken hearted, lost and feeling used and abused. Mentally of course. She never laid a hand on me. My point is, that the longer we stayed apart, the more she didn't want to see me. She started saying cruel things, like how my hair looked dumb or I didn't match. Little things that shouldn't have bothered me, but they did. Till finally after, an incident at school, her mother banned us from seeing one another out of school. At this point she's dating my ex-boyfriend Chris. I'm going threw the heart break of realizing I'll never, no, that WE'D never be together again. So, being that I'm a romantic, I wrote her a good bye letter. All it really said was that I was sorry I couldn't be the best friend I used to be, but it killed me every time she talked about Chris. And that, I would always love her but this was goodbye.

With all my heart I wanted her to tell me she missed me too, but I got what I logically knew what was going to be said. "Sometimes... you just have to let go." I threw the ring I gave her in her lap. Over come with the tearing of my heart as the truth of 'get over it' ate away at my mind. I left the room. She offered my ring, I gave to her back, I didn't want it. And that was that. She'd said she'd tried to help me, All I could reply with was that I didn't see it. So, as my heart is sewing it's self back together, I find, first loves always break the hardest. And there is still tomorrow to find a soul mate. Yet, even that knowledge doesn't keep my little demons of guilt and pity at bay.

So each day a wage a new war with myself. But I will move on, heartbreak and the hope one day, we'll be able to be friends again.

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