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Bittersweet memories

14 May, 2003


I met Anson when I was eighteen, he was a guy older than me. He wasn't my first boyfriend but he was the first guy I truly fell in love with; head over heels. He was charming and has the biggest smile ever with deep dimples. He was everything to me and I was really blinded with love. I live and breathe for him. We had so many similar interests and were we were told, the perfect match.


We loved to sit by the beach, looking at the moon and laughing together. We even talked about our future and gave names to our future children. He loved to surprise me and made me laughed. He loved to see the reactions on my face and he enjoyed seeing me happy.


I used to sneak into his house and stay overnight and through our sweetest six months together, amazingly I never met his parents. His bed was the most comfortable bed I ever slept on. We spent the whole night making love, with just the streetlamp from the back street shining in.


At that time, I had no other worries. I didn't care what was happening around me. All that mattered to me was him, him and him. I was like a little girl giddy with joy and filled with excitement, thinking how sweet and happy my life is.


One friday, he was due to pick me up. I was all ready for it, spent the whole day counting the seconds away, ready to see him and be in his arms, go to our usual seafront and eat our usual favourite food. But when I called him that day, his phone just rang and rang. It was unusual. By the first hour, I must have dialled over a hundred times. He told me he would be home, he told me he had no college that day. He would not go out without giving me a call first. It was just so unusual. I continue to ring him and as I did so, I was imagining the worst. Could it be that something bad had happened to him?


I couldn't find him the whole day and hours passed and it was evening. He was supposed to pick me up at 7pm but there was no sign or no calls from him. Where is he? I was feeling sick.


The next morning, I received a call. It was him. Calling from a phone booth. Strange. "I just called to say Goodbye." My mouth turned dry. "I am leaving the country to further my studies. I am at the airport now. Don't wait for me. Bye." And with that, he hung up. Just like that. I was in shock. I couldn't move, the phone dropped from my hand. Then I started to cry. And I really did cry all morning... all day.


I was shocked that I didn't even know he was leaving the country. He didn't even mention anything. There was no sign at all, no packed luggage when I had last been to his house on Thursday, no mention or hint of any kind. I felt stupid. And I was really tearful and started feeling suicidal. I went out with my friends that night, got drunk and thought of killing myself. I just didn't know how to face another day without him. I was very heartbroken.


The week went by slowly. I was like in a bad dream. I even went to his college and sat outside there, knowing he wont be there but just to feel the 'presence' that he was once there. I couldn't bring myself to pass our favourite food stall or our favourite spot because I was dying inside. I just wanted to speak to somebody who can tell me where he is and I thought of flying there and being with him, whether he liked it or not because I am not leaving or letting him go. And I am willing to do anything just to be with him.


Despite knowing he is not home I still kept dialling his number. The Saturday after, I finally found him still at home! I was not angry but I was thrilled. I pleaded with him to come and see me and he did that evening. I obviously wanted some explanation and this time, I secretly vowed to myself that I will be smarter with the 'secretive' him.


He came to see me and later explained to me that he is going overseas in another two months' time. And that was just a 'trial separation' to 'test me out'. It was a really harsh trial as I almost wanted to kill myself, had he known that. I told him I wanted to go with him, I want to get married to him and be with him. I almost begged him to take me along. I will make his favourite cup of drink every night before he sleeps and I will scratch his back lovingly to 'relax him' just as the way he loved it. But he was very focused and told me we are still young and his future should come first. I was aching deep inside because when I was first with him, he didn't even tell me he had plans to leave the country for his studies. I felt that he had misled me into loving him, trusting him and just when I had given every part of me to him, he finally told me the truth. It was not fair for me but I was still too blind to see it and I wasn't even angry but in fact, I still loved him and wanted to be with him.


I suggested every possible way for us to be together and even promised him that I can wait for him to come back after his seven year studies. But he wouldn't want me to wait. He just wanted me to promise never to mention about him leaving and continue for us to be happy until his last day before he leaves. Since I loved him, I promised him although it was hard for me. But I tried to make the most out of whatever time left I had with him. We had another happy two months together although with me dreading the days as it reached closer to his departure date.


I still remember our last goodbye. When he dropped me home, we held each other tight and kissed then I walked out from his car, looked back once and then went back home, telling myself it's okay and tried to breathe well but alas, I collapsed crying my heart out. I was truly heartbroken. Never have I loved anyone this much, never have I felt this strong to anybody.


There was also another secret. I had an abortion when I was with him. It was his baby of course. It is a secret we both know and which will live with us for the rest of our lives. It was the happiest time of my life when we were together. I know I will never ever feel that way again with anyone else. I was naive and all in love but it was the sweetest part of my life.


Now years have passed and I have met someone else and am married to a lovely guy. However each time I hear old love songs, memories came back about the guy I once loved so much. I guess I don't love him anymore because now that I am older and much wiser, I realised that he has not been totally honest with me and took me for granted. He may have loved me too at that time but there was no doubt that I loved him much more. After all, I almost died for him, that was how strongly I felt over him.


For years after he left, I continued to love him in my heart. I went out with many different guys but deep inside, it was just him. He still had a special corner inside. For years, I didn't want to face the truth that he was not being honest with me and not caring how I felt - if he had, he wouldn't have put me through hell when he gave us a 'trial separation'.


The pasts are gone. It will not come back ever and I will not feel this way towards him ever again. I don't think I want to have him back ever because it's not going to be the same and besides, I have found someone else - who is sincere and honest in loving me. However with him - it was a very bittersweet memories that I will never ever forget.


- Story by KNee

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