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Because mommy`s heart is broken

15 June, 2003

We had been friends first, I was a single mom with a beautiful 16 month old daughter, and he was a newly separated man, separated from his common-law relationship of four years. He also had a daughter.

For the first couple of months that we were seeing each other were great, we were so in love. Then I messed up, we had moved in together back to our high school hometown, where my daughters father lived, and foolish me I began to have mixed feelings. I told my partner the truth, that I had feelings for both, but I chose to stay with him. Things slowly disintegrated from there. He was angry and hurt. He got colder and less loving , we stayed together for another year, we were on the verge of a break-up when I found out I was pregnant. We stayed together, and I tried so hard to make it up to him, I loved him totally now, but I knew something wasn't right. He looked at me sometimes with this look in his eyes that just made something shrivel up inside of me.
We went out one night to a local dance. I was about 30 weeks pregnant, Type 1 diabetic, tons of complications, so we hadn't gone out together in 6 months, (he went out a lot with his friends, but I stayed home). He doesn't dance, and I was too pregnant, so we sat out most of the night, except for one song. That song by kid rock and Sheryl Crow. We danced to it, and it was beautiful. That was our last happy moment together. The next day things got ugly. I asked him to stay home, I begged him too. I needed to know he loved me enough to give up one night out with his friends. He said No, I cried and cried, I don't know what was wrong with me, I just needed him to be with me that night. I threatened to take the rent money and go to my mother's, at first he got angry about it, then he encouraged me to go. He said he maybe needed a week to realize how good he has it. So I left. We spoke every night on the phone. He was sweet and sincere until the day before I was to return home. He got cold and callous,. I went home anyway. That night we made love which he instigated, afterwards he said that it was a bad idea and it would just complicate things. He started making little confessions the next day. How he'd been seeing someone else when we fist got together. He'd had an affair in our happy time. and he'd had sex with a teenage girl the first night I left to go to my moms. Not only that he's been using cocaine, and realizes now that the reason he and the mother of his first child separated is because he isn't really ready to be a father. I was devastated. I sent my daughter to spend the night a t a friends, while I cried and grieved and raged for two days. I attacked him once, we were arguing and he tried to push by me and I slapped his face repeatedly and pushed him and then slapped him again. He slammed me into a post on the side of the porch. He was instantly apologetic. said he'd never intentionally hurt me physically, I told him to go. But in the end it was me who left. He stayed at the house with me for the week it took my mom and sister to pack. He let me cry out my hurt at him , who caused it, Now I'm 33 weeks pregnant in a new town trying to regain control of my diabetes, and arrange my c section and doctors, and find a home and have it ready in time for my baby. And I am trying to heal, but I think about it every day, I dream of him every night. and I cry, and My daughter cries, she misses him she's lived with him since she was a baby, and cries and says she wants to go home, and that is my greatest heartache watching her cry, unable to explain, while my baby grows inside me, and I cry for my unborn child, who is also father free. And I cry for the life we were building together that he gave up on and walked away, and wanted us away. And it hurts so bad. Oh god, and goddess but this hurts. I am so confused. I know we were worth sticking it out for, working through things, so we could be a family. His own children (his daughter and step daughter were more comfortable with me than him.) but if this is the kind of man, if this is the coldness in his eyes I saw, that he hid so well from me then maybe my babies and I are better off with out him. My daughter asked me why I am so sad, I told her because my heart is broken, but it will get all better, especially with her beautiful sunshine around to make it all better.

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