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Bad luck and mistakes. Will there be a happy ending?

06 September, 2006

This girl, "Nancy", and I fell in love when we were teens, but bad luck and immaturity cut the relationship short. I was hurt by her and our communication stopped, after that she ended up in a mental hospital for a while, but I had no idea why.

Then our communication stopped for years. During that time I learned Nancy had gotten married and had four children, the first letters of her first two children's names match my initials. The first initials of her second two children are the same and match a two letter sequence in my first name (my name is "Johnny Smith", her first two kids are Jim and Sara, second two are Natalie and Nora). Her husband has the same artistic interests as I do. I suppose it could all just be a coincidence and nothing more. I had never stopped loving her, but had basically given up hope of us ever being together.

Over the last few years we've seen each other from time to time at parties and social events. One time I called her to say hi, and said she understood why I was calling, but politely asked me to not call anymore. She did not say why. I respected her wish, but we still occasionally see each other at these public events.

When we happen to be at the same event, she will go out of her way to avoid and ignore me. If I sit at the same table as her to talk to someone else, she will immediately leave, and she will not say hello or goodbye to me.

I have tried to think back to understand this behavior.

1. It is obvious she is not indifferent. If she didn't care, she would not mind if I sat at the table, and she would at least allow me some common courtesy and acknowledge my presence.

2. She hates me. This is possible. Her behavior in social situations seems to be consistent with hating.

3. She loves me, but has given up hope that we could ever be together. She avoids me and asks me not to call because my voice and presence reminds her and it's painful for her. Furthermore, she has never said that she doesn't love me.

My own conclusion is that she probably still loves me, as love and hate are two sides of the coin. Which is OK with me, because I still love her too. I would like very much for Nancy and I to be together. I guess most of us have felt a love, which is stronger than all others. This is my love for her. I have married some years ago, and I do love my wife, don't get me wrong. Yes, my wife "coincidentally" looks a lot like Nancy.

I am ready at any time to drop everything in my life to be with Nancy, if that's what Nancy wanted. Right now, I feel like I am only half-living. In general, I enjoy life and my wife and I are usually content. We live comfortably and travel. But most of my heart will always belong to Nancy. I wish there were some way we could clear things up and be together.

Now I have written Nancy a letter, asking her the reason why she treats me so rudely. If she responds, maybe her response can clear this up, and I'll know whether to just give up all hope of ever being with her and totally move on, or whether it might be possible for us to be together, where I believe we both really belong. If I find this site again, I will post back.

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