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Another Sad Valentine's Day by: johnpatricklee@gmail.com

23 February, 2008

Where do broken hearts go

Can they find their way home

Back to the open arms

Of a love that's waiting there

And if somebody loves you

Won't they always love you

I look in your eyes

And I know that you still care, for me

It has been another Valentine's Day celebration...all I could do is sit and watch how lovers celebrate that special occassion... again wishing that I would have someone to spend it with, but I guess it seems that it's not yet time.

I have spent 27 years and by July am turning on to be 28...Going back to the time when I first fell in love, I guess in the many times I fell in love, the very first relationship I had was summer of 2001 before I graduated college. That's when I first had a girlfriend, we had 1 year of relationship but within that one year, I have catched her so many times fooling behind me, having dates with other men, going out with them and communicating with them. Once she even borrowed my cell phone just to text the guy and the only reason I caught her was because the guy sent her a text message when I was at home and was not with her. Madly, I confronted her and told her all about it. She said she was sorry and said she would not repeat it. I forgave her, since I loved her that much, gave her another chance but this time, told her I would not forgive her once she would do it again.

I thought I would be happy and our relationship would go on, but then, one time, when we met with her friend, her friend, by a slip of tongue mentioned about a guy she was talking with over the phone. So I guess it just was something secret and she would not want me to know of it. When we arrived at her boarding house, I confronted her about it and she even mentioned that the guy was having Sex Over the Phone with her and she frantically allowed him to. I got furiously mad hearing this and left her. That same night, I received a call from her cousin, asking me to forgive her and talk to her. I refused to but then her cousin explained and did all the explanation on her behalf. I gave her one more chance. This time, told her to stop communicating with that guy. She told me she did but I trusted her. Right after that, discovered there was this colleague of her at the office who is courting her. I just was surprised because it was a day when I called her up upon reaching home and she started nagging at me over the phone telling me all sort of things. That's when found out about it. She started to believe all the stuff the guy was saying that I found it disappointing coz after all, I never was doing any of those stuff.

Then came my birthday, where a day before, found her again letting the other guy, their neighbor, courting her again. Furious, this time I had it. I told her it's the last draw. She kept on apologizing and then assured me that it will not happen again. The following day was my birthday, she surprised me by having a night alone with her. She paid off all and made up for it by sleeping over and us having sex. I thought it would be forever and thought that she would really change. But I guess even if something happened among us, it never does change. I caught her again still letting the guy next door court her and it was only her cousin who told me all about it. I never did believe her anymore.

I went on with my life, hurt as I was..I graduated and started teaching college. I never courted any other girl anymore since I was so hurt and I was in the process of healing...a year after, I met Jennie. She was a very unique girl, in the sense that she hated men and never trusted men at all but she trusted me. I was younger than her by around 9 years. Finally I started discovering why she acted that way, we started both searching answers to the questions she had about her personality. When we finally came to discover her past, to which, her present personality was a traumatic make up for it, that's the time she also admitted she already love me. The sad part is, she loved me that much she didn't want to have me for herself coz that means keeping me and she is not sure if she can change the whole 30 years of the kind of life she has been used to and the kind of reactions she has developed out of her past.

Sad, yet I never let go of that promise that one day, she would come back...but that can purely be just all hopes. I shifted work from teaching and started my career in the call center. I met another girl whom I thought would change it, but guess that girl only made me a cover up, to get over her x boyfriend whom she was still in love with. Eventually, she left me and went back to that guy.

The next year, I met another girl, and guess of all the experiences, this was the start of meeting girls who only ran after my money. When the time comes that you can't give them anything anymore, they leave you. The worse of all those experiences is that they left me in great debt. I met 3 more and fell in love with 3 more girls after my first experience with Gemma who just was after my money. All of which I hoped would be a different experience, yet all ending up with an empty pocket and no real and true love that ever occurred. Sad, it was true. There seems to be no other person who would love me like the kind of love Jennie has shown. But amidst that fact, there's no way for me to get back to her, and I did try to but she still has refused to.

Right now, am just focusing on my work and business, hoping that stil one day, a girl like Jennie would come, love me not because of material things or money but really love me for who I am, and what I am. I long for that person. I long to be loved. I am not growing any younger and I used to have this dream and plan to settle down in a married state by the time I reach 27. But where is that dream? I am here, already turning 28 yet still alone in this world, with no one to love.

Where do broken hearts go? I guess my broken heart has not found its way to the arms that's waiting there. This broken heart has remained broken and loveless...continuously tested by time and continuing to live each day, making the most of it... with myself, my work, and my business.

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