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An internet love... so I thought

06 November, 2003

All my life I wondered what "love" was like. A lot of people say that you can't find love and friendship on the internet, but I have to disagree with them to an extent. I went on the internet in the hope of finding someone to talk to, just as friends... I did... but it didn't quiet turn out that way.

All my life, I hated myself, I had no self esteem, I put myself down constantly, I hated life. I hated the world, and I didn't trust anyone. This man changed me. When I met this guy in chat and after a while of talking, he gave me what I have always searched for and needed all my life, He gave me "hope", "love", "encouragement" "self esteem".. We talked for almost 3 years and I thought that he really cared about my feelings.. We talked about our daily lives and talked for hours. I really loved this man and he said that he loved me.

I couldn't wait to get to chat with him almost every day. We assured each other that we would never leave each other and always be there. We talked about marriage but we knew it could never be possible. This man really turned my life around and showed me what love was meant to feel like. I became a different person, I saw life in a different way, I began to feel better about myself and actually started to think that I wasn't such a bad person. I ached for him every day. but one day, it all ended. He told me that he loved me and I really believed it until he was caught up in his lies. I can't really say what happened but his "love" for me which was like a fairy tale to me, was made up of nothing but lies. He said that he felt "sorry" for me and told me the things that I so desperately wanted to hear. He said a lot of things about me that weren't true. He denied most of the things that he said to me. I was hurt like I was never hurt before. I even went as far as to send him back the things he gave me, he gave them away because he didn't want them, but didn't have the decency to tell me, (but told someone else.) I loved this man and he took advantage of me and played with my heart strings. He blames me for "messing" his life up. I don't talk to him now. It still hurts a little but I don't cry over him anymore.

I want to be strong but when you experience "real love" (so I thought) for the first time, its hard to pretend that it doesn't hurt. I am getting stronger every day and I now realize how much a "husband" means. Yes, I'm married, he may not be the "romantic" type as we women like, but at least he is honest about his feelings about me.

That is one thing that I am sure of.

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