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An Indescribable Pain

09 June, 2003


An indescribable pain? Surely an uncharacteristic pain. I am someone who has been described as unfeeling, "the tin man", cold. I had a relationship once where I thought I was in love but it wasn't until a 12 Day span where I realized that the feelings I had at that point were entirely different than the feelings I am having now.


The Story begins as so many do, Co-workers/Friends in a casual work place, sexual tension etc, etc,. It was a Sunday Night. We had a weekly event of going out to a local pub for laughs and fun. Amanda had always said that she would come but never did show up. Amanda is an attractive, smart, funny, adventurous 21 year old girl who was in a 3 year relationship with a boyfriend she had met in high school. Their relationship had seemed to be at an impasse as she was casually seeing a fellow employee when all of this started. I remember feeling regret when I found out about the two of them. I wished it could have been me.


On to Sunday, She showed up that night with 2 friends of hers from work. Everyone sat around, Had drink, Had fun. At one point during the night she let it be known to me that she knew some privileged information on me, regarding a previous relationship with a co-worker that I thought was a closely guarded secret. This seemed to act as a tension breaker between the two of us as we talked closely all night, got drunk, her friends left early, and her behind, she ended up back at my place and we had sex all night. It was easily the best sex I had ever had.


The next morning I felt like a million bucks. I wasn't in a lovy dovy mood at this point, just proud that the gods shined down on little old me and given me a night to remember. She got on the phone to get her story straight with her friends to where she had been, we shared some laughs and she left.


The following Wednesday at work, I was coming on as she was leaving. We had a brief, flirty conversation, and that was that. The next day (Thursday)) we worked the same shift. She called me in the morning where we talked for about an hour, I was picking up on some vibes from her and I invited her out to lunch that day and the heavy flirting on my part began. After some coaxing and more flirting we ended up kissing in my truck near a school before our break ended. The rest of the night was a fun touchy feely, experience and the beginning of something to which the details were unsure. To recap, she still had a boyfriend and fellow co-worker she had been seeing was now out of the picture.


The next instalment was on Saturday, I had the day off, I called her at work, we agreed to meet on her lunch and drove out to the ocean and sat on a park bench. It was a fun time. We were the people that other people said "Get a Room" to. I drove her back to work, we shared a passionate kiss in the parking lot across the street and she left. I remember just watching her as she walked away. I felt so Lucky. Later that night she called me again, we talked for hours and had incredible phone sex. At this point my attraction for her was growing immensely. I had never been with someone like this before. I was looking forward to seeing where it would lead, but still being very emotionally cautious knowing her situation


Monday.... The Best Day of My Life, The beginning of my Pain. To understand me, I do not put myself in the position of being hurt. I tend to keep my relationships "no strings attached", Where the other party generally liked me more than I liked them. This was not intentional, I felt as though I was incapable of love, too cold, too unfeeling and to be honest I liked it this way. During the course of the Day I found it hard to concentrate on my job. She works at another job on Mondays so I gave her a call at work. She was off at 3:30 that day and said she would give me a call at home. I was not off my job until 7:00 so I faked sick and went home to wait for her call. I agreed to pick her up, she warned me that she would be looking and smelling bad due to the nature of her work, yet I found that hard to believe. I picked her up, she did an errand and we drove out to a secluded spot on the coast. During the afternoon we kissed, held each other, joked. She looked so beautiful,
work clothes and all. The way the sun shone on her face, the way her eyes squinted in the glare. Then she uttered the words that would eventually send me into this tailspin. Through the other co-worker I had been in the relationship with she had been told I was a player. Amanda asked me not to play her, I said that I wouldn't. She said she believed me. I remember thinking, Why did she say that? What does she want out of this relationship? I thought the world of her but due to her situation I was not going to let myself become too attached. If this relationship was going to be strictly sexual on her part why would she care if I was a player? This gave me the impression that she wanted more. Later that afternoon we went for a drive and I began to fall in love. We joked, we kissed, she told me she thought I was cute. When I went home I just sat and Dreamed of all the possibilities.


On the following Wednesday and Thursday we were once again working the same shifts, We snuck off for picnics that we had packed on our lunch hour, held hands, talked and kissed. All I wanted to do was see her, kiss her, spend time with her. I could not do any of this, Even a phone call on my part was too risky as she did not want her boyfriend to become suspicious. It was a strange feeling for me. I found myself constantly anxious. I could not eat or sleep, I did not want to leave my apartment in case she called I would miss it. We had made tentative plans for Friday and Saturday but friend/boyfriend obligations kept us apart. We both worked Saturday evening where I started to notice a change in her. She was quiet, closed off. I could not help but think, what happened, Thursday things were so good, Picnics, Kissing, Love?. I felt completely helpless. I did not know what was wrong. I was crushed, all night, confused. Willing to do whatever was necessary to fix things, but not having a clue where to begin. Did I come on too strong, Have too many close calls/suspicion with her boyfriend made her uneasy? I called her early on Sunday at work, hoping for a lunch meeting, hoping things will be back like they were. She told me she had plans for her lunch and would call me later. I sat here all day crushed, hoping things were not as bad as they seemed, but deep down knowing they are. I sit here on the brink of tears, feeling totally helpless, a constant lump in my throat, missing her so deeply and hoping against hope for the phone call that never came. Is this what love does to you when things don't work out as you had planned. I was on top of the world for days up until now, My mind streaming with possibilities, falling in love for the first time. Now as I sit here I try to decide where I go from here. Do I talk to her about how I feel, Do I give her space, Do I act as if the recent negative events have never happened and try to play it cool. I don't know. I had hoped that writing it out would make me feel better and make the best course of action more clear but it hasn't. Perhaps I should let her read this, although to what end that would take us I'm not sure. I think we all tend to look at life with Rose-Coloured Glasses. Even as I read this Story I notice that I have left out many of the details. Her initial hesitation early in the relationship, the guilt she felt along the way, my failure to realize the tough position she was in. I think Chris Isaak said it best in Breaking Apart (CD: Speak of the Devil Track #4) I think this is the song I will listen to tonight as I cry myself to sleep and hope the morning will bring some answers and a cure to this indescribable pain.


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