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Always trust your gut feelings

11 October, 2003


I met my now ex-wife at a small music venue by shear cockiness. A friend
of mine had struck out horribly with a couple of ladies sitting at a booth. I
wanted to show him up so I walked over to them. I hadn't even noticed my wife
until I walked over to the table and said, "I think you're here to meet me".
Yah, it was stupid and I don't know where it came from, but we immediately
connected.


One of the first things she told me was that she had a son - a 3 month old son!
Even so, I was enamoured with her. We began dating shortly thereafter and my
attraction for her became a mixture of sympathy for a single mother and love for
her overall beauty and intelligence. Sympathy and the feeling of saving this
person became the driving force as I quickly learned that she had more pain
inside than I'll ever know. She was severely sexually abused as a child by 2
stepfathers and periodically abandoned by her mother.


I had a small business at the time and offered her a desk job so that she could
watch her son while she worked. I soon fell in love with her son too. Our
relationship grew to be very passionate as well as tumultuous as the more she
let me in the more I saw how black her soul was. I listened to my heart,
disregarding my mind and gut, and let her move in with me. I knew I truly loved
her and her son.


She could never feel safe enough. She had horrific bouts of rage towards me and
cried more and more frequently. She tried to push me away and abused me
emotionally and later physically. We went to therapy and things got worse as
her past was tilled up and exposed.
I was still in love with her, perhaps even more so because of her pain, her son,
and the thought of making it through the pain. I was and am extremely optimistic
and know that I can do anything if I work hard enough.
She asked me to marry her. I was extremely reluctant, but knew I could never
leave her and her son. My optimism was enough to make me stupid. I also thought
vowing my love before God and man was enough to make her feel secure.
It wasn't of course. After 6 months of marriage she met someone else - a male
friend who had a similar background. I became a baby-sitter while she
established a friendship that culminated into an affair. The marriage was over
after that. We tried more therapy, but I could not forgive and I could not leave
her either. She finally filed for divorce as our home wasn't the best place for
our son. I gave her mostly everything - not for her, but for Hayden, my stepson.
I am writing this because I hurt. I lost nothing in a wife, but I lost
everything in my stepson. I can't cry over her. I do cry over him. Finally,
after not being able to take it any longer, I contacted Hayden's father to ask
(beg) to see his son - my stepson. He, being a real human being, agreed to let
me. Now I am so happy to see him and so sad when I leave. I wish I could just
see the joy and not the pain.


The moral is to listen to that little voice inside you and that you cannot save
someone else - only they can.


(email address left at the request of contributor)


Send any comments or advice to GAWaller21@tntech.edu


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