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Against my conscience and my will

27 May, 2008

I have never really ever known guys in my whole life. I've always been to a girl school except nursery, and I never had boyfriends nor friends who are boys. I've always been a kind of outcast, loser, and loner. I've never really had any really close friends. I met this guy when I was 12, actually he is my teacher, and there is something about him that I took to instantly. He is about 20 years older than me, is not at all good-looking in anyway at all (well not to most people anyway) and has awful mood swings. I've had private music lessons with him for 5 years and we've got used to each other. I won't say I know him, because he is really shy and doesn't really open up, but I feel like I know him in the sense that I am familiar with the way that he does things and the way he talks and thinks. And I've grown to be really fond of him. Many times when I lost faith in the future and felt utterly useless, he'd know exactly what to say to make me feel that life is worth living for. At the start of this year, I was told (by another teacher) that he is going to leave next year. I was shocked and although pleased for him, cos he will probably be happier where he is going, I suddenly realised how much his absence is going to affect me. And I am now and have been for the past few months, really confused about how I feel towards him, seeing that I've never had any kind of interaction with the opposite sex, and my dad was hardly ever around during my childhood, I can't quite figure out who he is to me. All I know is that where he is going I cannot follow and I will probably (it is probably best) never see or hear from him ever again. It's been really  hard this year between us, many times I was hurt by what he said and things he did, or rather things he didn't do, I am starting to feel that I have been like a kind of pet or a muse to him, and now he has no more need for me he no longer cares about me. I suppose nowadays I am keeping my distance too since even the thought of us being together is evil, and I don't want to be hurt by his rejection of my friendship, I want us to be friends, but perhaps it is better for us to lose contact with each other after he has left as it is better to avoid sinning and to meet in heaven for I love him too much to let him get hurt. In which case I wish him all the happiness in the world and anticipate our reunion in heaven if it is God's wil.

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