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Acting so guilty

16 September, 2003

We met through my mother and his father. I knew his dad and he loved me to death so maybe thats why he did it. It really all started out as a big lie. I knew he had been married before but he and his father had said he was divorced when I started seeing him.

We hit it off great. We could talk forever, make each other laugh, and comfort each other. His mother had died and he was so emotional. I felt like he held it in too much but at night when we would lay in bed sometimes he would break down and I felt like I comforted him. Who knows now? Anyway we got really serious. I had fallen in love with him and there was nothing that could make it go away. Then one day while I was at work what I thought was his ex-wife had come in and I found out the divorce was not final. Oh my gosh I was so confused.

My whole life I pictured the guy I would love this much would only have married me and we would live happily ever after. It was almost like a promise to myself. I knew he had been married but I never really thought I would fall for him like I had. I left work and found him and his dad and they said it was going through, the papers were ready it just wasn't final. I should have ended it then but I couldn't. I cared for him so much.

We kept things like they were and even got closer. We moved in together. He acted like he really loved me and I think he did but now I don't really know. I devoted everything around to him and my life was all about him. Things started to change though. He would get an attitude towards me. I don't know what happened. He would be so mean and threaten to leave and I would beg him not to. Then other days he was all about me. Maybe because I did everything for him and he knew it. His family loved me and told him he was stupid if he did anything to lose me. My friends and family told me I could do better. I would not even think of it though. I loved him so much.

Months had passed and we were still together like any other couple with our ups and downs. One week I realised he wasn't acting right. He was acting so guilty but I didn't think anything of it. Then he told me he had cheated on me and broke down. He was bawling begging me to forgive him. I was devastated, not only because he cheated on me but it was with his ex. I felt like I hated him, I told him to get out. e begged me not to make him leave but I did. To top all this off I hadn't started my period. I wasn't very late but still it's always a suspicion for a girl when she is late. While we were arguing about him cheating I had told him I was late. I said I just hope I'm not and now she maybe too. He cried even harder apologising but I still made him leave. Every night he was gone he called me saying how sorry he was. I finally gave in like always. I let him come back and exactly one week later I found out I was pregnant but I didn't want to tell him. I stopped by where he was during my lunch break and told him if he didn't want to be with me he could leave me. I don't know why I said that because nothing was wrong with our relationship beside the week before. The girl he was with before had a baby and he found out it was his that day. I told him that I guess so if he wanted to leave and go be with her since he cheated on me with her and had a kid by her he could. I wasn't gonna tell him if I was pregnant or not. If he wanted to leave I would do it alone. I let him use my car and take me back to work. I took the pregnancy test at work and it was positive. I started crying and really didn't know what to do. I told him when he got there. I didn't want anyone to know straight away but he went and told everyone. I don't know what had got in to him. He acted like me and him were ok and nothing had went wrong.

The following Sunday he woke up and was going to church. I didn't feel like going so I let him take my car. I told him to come right back and not to have my car anywhere I didn't want it. He didn't come right back he was 20 minutes late and my brothers girlfriend drove by his ex's house, the one he cheated with, and there sat my car. She went to a payphone and called me. I told her to come and get me. I took my extra keys and went and got my car. They didn't even know until I started driving it off. His ex and him both walked out of the door. I didn't go cuss him out, or her, I didn't do anything except take my car. He called as soon as I had got home but I wouldn't talk. He told my brothers girlfriend he was visiting his baby. Maybe it was wrong of me. But he had just cheated on me with her. They got back together that same day. They have split up so many times over the past few months. He has called me crying ever since. I love him still but if we are supposed to get back together, we will. The time will be right if it's meant for us to be. No matter what happens though in two and a half months I'll have a constant reminder of him. I'll have a son that doesn't know his father.

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