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A sad love story.

17 April, 2007

*= name has been changed to protect identity.

I've known CL* for 3 years. Never paid much attention to her, because of many distractions. But, the summer before my first high school year began... Out of the blue, I came to an interest of her. Called her up, and suddenly she was my new close friend. It all began August 12, 2006. I still question the reason why I became so interested in her out of the ordinary. Anyways, so we talked on the phone everyday for hours, like we were a couple... talking about everything, anything. Yeah, we were friends before... but we never got the chance to become so close, as we did that August. I started to question my sexuality. Since every time we talked, I felt a vibe from her---- love. As time passed by and we got to know each other a little better, I started developing feelings for her... Feelings I couldn't describe. I felt great inside. Anyways, when the school year began... our conversations/phone calls slowly faded away. She began to question her sexuality as well, when this female bisexual, Holla*, started crushing on her. & high school does change people. I felt replaced because now she was hanging out with Holla, and forgot all about me. Sure, I was jealous. But I also felt insecure because I would always go back to every detail and wonder what I did wrong for her to leave me. She wasn't mine. But I know we had "something." Whatever that "something" was. It crushed me when she claimed her sexuality of being a bisexual, and started dating Holla. It made me feel like all the conversations we had...all the phone calls...everything...meant nothing to her. The night before they started dating, I had told her that I was bisexual. She thought I was joking. I assure you, I was very serious. What they had wasn't a serious relationship though. They were just "girlfriends at SCHOOL (GFAS)." So I decided not to hurt over something so small like that. As months pass by, she started talking to this other girl, Nlb*...who was bi-curious. After weeks of hanging out and talking on the phone constantly, she asked Nlb to be her "baby." They went out for a month, & it killed me. But when I found out what happened behind closed doors...again, it wasn't anything serious. She left Nlb because she realized looks aren't everything. The girl had a suck-ass personality. So as I tried to let the truth sink in, I got over it. After that, she started talking to this one... straight girl, Manderin*. I never paid any close attention to it, because I found an escape...this new friend of mine, Rapie*... who soon became my best friend...that I fell in love with. I was distracted by the warmth and passion of love. Love I hadn't felt in too long. The problem was...it was an affair. And it didn't work out, even though it almost seemed perfect...So perfect, we almost mistook it for true love. We weren't meant to be lovers. Friends. Best friends...but not lovers. After I got over that, CL began to develop feelings for me again (I say 'again' because I onced asked her if she ever liked me...and she stated there were times she wanted to ask me out, but never was sure about me), I guess because of the change in my maturity. I used to be silly most of the time. Anyways, she told me how she felt about me on the night of March 25th, 2007. She was drunk that night. Turns out Manderin rejected her. CL was so in love with this girl. A girl she couldn't have. & I was sure of this, because Manderin is as straight as a metal pole. She also told everyone she would never turn gay, or even just bisexual. Of course we all had known that already. CL just never took it in. Never believed it. I guess it's because she didn't want to. But, yeah... after that night, I couldn't stop thinking about what CL said. How she claimed she likes me... how she has feelings for me... How she wanted to ask me out...It never really sank in. I didn't want it to; I didn't let it sink in. Because some where, in some part of my heart... I had a doubt it was the truth. I felt miserable the next day. Came to 2nd period [the period I have with Rapie and CL], confused and crying. To be honest, I didn't understand why I was crying---- I was just crying. I asked CL if she remembered anything she had talked to me about, the night before. She replied, "no..." On Tuesday, March 27, 2007, I was a wreck. And I mean a COMPLETE WRECK. I couldn't talk, speak, smile, laugh...or even look at anyone. I then thought to myself..."I knew it wasn't real. She doesn't feel anything for me. It was the alcohol talking." Of course all my friends asked me what was wrong. But there was no one I could really speak the truth to. Not even Rapie, who I would tell everything to. There I was, isolating myself from everyone else. Sitting there in the gym, on the bleachers, thinking what I've done to deserve all the pain I'm being put through. I had enough of being stared at by questioning eyes. I got up, went into the empty locker room, found a quiet peaceful corner, and weeped. Seconds later, CL came in...looking for me. Right then, it sank in. She cares for me. She really does. She thought I was still sad over the fact she and Nlb still talk. So she asked me am I sad because of her and Nlb's situation. She told me, she doesn't like Nlb like that anymore, and she had told her to move on. I, then, told her why I was so messed up for the passed few days. It was because I was lost in confusion by her words and actions: she told me she likes me, but she didn't remember she said it. I also told her, I was crying because I wonder why I always feel nervous around her...or even by just talking to her. There was a pause... she leaned in close to me, almost smelling my bodyscent. I wanted to kiss her, so bad. But she wasn't mine, so I backed off. She made me promise her not to cry anymore. I kept that promise. We had separate lunch periods. Hers was first, then mines was after. After my lunch while I was walking towards my next class, she called me. And asked me to meet her at the heart of the school (this pathway in the middle of the school). I was confused...what was going on here? Then...the words...came... out of her mouth. "Will you go out with me?" I was...in complete shock. I asked her twice, "are you serious? like foreal?" She nodded her head, "yes." I said, "okay." She asked, "okay?" I said, "okay. yes." We both smiled, nervously, with that butterfly feeling in our stomachs. She turned away hoping I would do something. I opened up my arms, calling for a hug. We hugged. Then, chuckled. Walked away to our next class with smiles on our face, and still...with that nervous, butterfly feeling in our stomachs. I couldn't stop the "feel so good" feeling. In class, I kept smiling. My heart felt warm. She texted me, 5 minutes after what had happened, saying "why you take it as a joke?" (Because I had asked her "are you serious," when she asked me to be her girlfriend.) I said "sorry, I was nervous." She said she was too. And she had told me she kept smiling in class, also. She told me she was happy. I couldn't be more happy to hear that. She texted me to go meet her at the library because she was checking out books. I went, and we kept looking at each other... smiling, and giggling. It was the best feeling in the world, I tell you. After school, we had a still-moment in time touching hands, then had our first kiss. A peck on the lips. Quick, but still...it felt like magic. I walked away with the feeling of my spirit being lifted. Like all my sorrow had gone away. When I got home she text me right away. It was the first time she called me her baby. She said, "Baby, what are you doing?" The butterflies never left. The next day was short, but great. We were an official couple. Holding hands, walking to class, giving each other kisses. She had to leave school for a swim meeting. She text me, "I was going to stay at school just to say bye afterschool." I never felt happier in my life. I got the girl I've been waiting for, for so long. My days were suddenly worth while. I couldn't wait to go to school, just to see her beautiful face & kiss her. The day after, was Thursday... she came over my house after school. We made-out on my bed. It was magical. I felt loved. Then, out of nowhere... we stopped. Just when I felt that my luck had turned, the fire faded... she said, "you know nothing about me, that's the problem." That was when things... turned bad, for me, again. She admitted she still has feelings for Manderin. Feelings I knew still existed. She said she thinks we were moving too fast into our relationship. She told me to make a decision: stay with her knowing the fact she loves someone else...or to break-up, and if by any chance in the future there is still something for the two of us, get back together. She told me to be selfish, and think for myself. But I'm not good at being selfish. So, I thought about it for... several minutes. Even though I already knew my choice when she asked me to choose. I knew I would not be able to be with someone who's in love with someone else. So I decided to let her go. There was full of love and anger and mix-feelings all compacted in one day. It was too much for me. But I remembered I promised her I wouldn't cry. Sadly, crying was my only escape. & now, my only escape was gone. That Saturday I found out from a friend that CL was over me already. I was in shock---- this time it was for the worse. I couldn't believe that she would be over what we had, in so little timing. I then turned to sleeping. And dreaming was beginning to be the next favorite thing to do. After long days, I would look forward to just going home and sleeping. To of course get away from the dreadful reality in my life. I'm not sure I can say it's working, because I constantly dream about her. And although I feel happy to be with her in my dreams, I wake up feeling emptyness...wanting her back even more. Then my birthday party came on Sunday. I had invited everyone weeks before. And yes, this included Manderin. I couldn't believe how flirtatious CL was being with Manderin... and after we just broke up, too! I know Manderin isn't gay or trying to make me jealous, so I didn't mind. But it was CL's behavior that ticked me off. It was my birthday, and this is the birthday present she gives me? Horrid, yes. But again, I let her get away with it. I tell myself I understand where she's coming from. She's in love with Manderin. Insanely, incredibly stupid, and blinded by "love." I wouldn't blame her for loving Manderin. I mean the girl's pretty amazing. But why won't CL just admit that she'll never be able to be with her? It doesn't matter to me anymore. I gave up questioning, and predicting possible outcomes. I was done with that. CL was being ridiculously pathetic. And I had no time for such childish behavior. But I have no right to say anything about this because I would be a hypocrite. She was loving someone who didn't love her back, and I was doing the same. I guess you can say many people are having that kind of problem, this time of the year. Although I didn't care anymore, I was still devastated about the break-up. I realized that when I was with her, I took advantage of it. I kept my guard up because I knew something wasn't right. It was all happening too fast. I felt it was too good to be true. And because of that, I lost the chance of revealing the love I've had for her since last August. I regret a lot of things in life, but this was the worse regret in my life. I had waited for this girl for almost 8 months, and all I got was 3 days to be with her. Is it my fault? Or is it fate? Did God give me the opportunity to be with her to show me that she isn't the one, and that I should stop waiting? Even if so, I still am waiting for her till this day. Yesterday I told her how I felt. And she had no response. In telling her what I feel, I had asked "do you believe there may be something for us in the future? If not, I need to know because I don't want to be waiting all my life for 'nothing' in the end." She didn't even answer my question. Does she even know how much it took me to reveal my true feelings? What was the purpose of telling her what I feel if she has no response? She said she didn't want to talk about it. And I was just...left speechless. Again, she was neglecting me. And I let it happen all the time. What I see now from her actions, is that she no longer cares about me. But why do I still hold on? Why do I still love her after all she's put me through. I'm sure she didn't mean to do any of it. But still, I'm going through hell and yet she shows no emotion towards how I'm feeling. Or atleast she doesn't show it. I was going to let go for good, last night. But I was reading her conversation with Manderin, and she inputted "I think I love you." Knowing CL, she would usually say it straight up to Manderin, "I love you." And I'm having somewhat kind of hope that because of what I had told CL, her heart is beginning to question itself..."why love someone who doesn't love you back?" So basically what I'm saying here is, I continue to hold on because every time I'm almost letting go, something gives me hope that she'll be mine again. Today I was in so much hurt after watching, "The Holiday," that I just held my best friend, Rapie, tight...and let all my emotions come out. I had broken my promise I made with CL. The promise I tried so hard keeping. But after all I've been going through, I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I cried, with the regret of crying. I tried holding it in, I kept telling myself "I'm not crying; No, I can't cry. I made a promise." But it was useless, I've never felt so hurt before in my life. How can someone who makes you feel so happy, make you feel so miserable. Why am I falling in love by myself. Yeah, call me the stubborn kid with endless hope & passion. So many people say I'm a great person...but why can't she see that? I could love her the way she deserves to be loved.

{She is all I want, because she is the one thing I need.}

I'm not sure when I will come to my senses, or when I will have my "happily ever after." But until then, I'll just have to deal with the unexpected. I hope all of you, who can relate to my story, will reach that state of happiness you all deserve and need some day.

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