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A lost panda

19 February, 2003

You know, every love is like a snowflake, unique, special, and never duplicated. The same can be said of heartache. I'm sure everyone feels the pain of a thousand deaths when they lose someone. You feel as if the very air has been taken from your lungs and you can't breathe. You wonder how you'll ever make it through the day without him or her. You listen to all of the love songs, and they all seem to fit you. You put (or throw) away everything you have that reminds of you of that person. You cry for days, weeks, months. Your dreams are filled of that person. And you wake up haunted by the visions.

I am no different. This is been my second love lost in my life. Yet, this one I feel is the true one. How do you know when it's true. I can't really describe it. Everyone just knows. It's when you see that person and everything is just right. It's not that they are suddenly the most beautiful person in the world. Nor is it that everything they do is right. It's that feeling, when you look in their eyes, and you know you're home. That this is where you belong. That this is the life you were meant to live.

But heartaches don't exist without the loss. And yes, I lost her. I did everything to get over her. I put her things away. I cried myself to sleep so many nights in a cathartic attempt to let go. I stopped talking about her. And eventually, things got better.

But then... something would happen. I would find an old picture I hadn't thrown away, or an old card, or someone would mention that they saw her somewhere. It doesn't help that we called each other The Panda Couple. You can't go anywhere in southern California without seeing pandas around somewhere.

It's been so long ago that I saw her. Almost 2 years. It's been about the same since I talked to her. No matter what I've tried, I just can't seem to get over her. It's killing me. And I'm tired of fighting it. There's a part of me that will never let me stop living life. And I know that I would never do something so tragic as to take that life away that I was given. But what life is it without her? I can live, and laugh, and appreciate the beauty that is around me. And I do love who I am. Yet, there's this grey film over everything, dulling all I see. Nothing feels complete.

Everyday I convince myself once again that I know it's over. I go about my day. I have everyone believing I am completely happy. I guess that's why I'm writing here. At least I can release all that I feel somewhere. Maybe someone will read this. Then my story will have been told.

I wonder... how long does it take to truly get over a love that you call home? A love that you feel you were born to experience?

I'm sorry that there's no answers here. I wish I could say things get easier. But for me, they haven't. I've just learned to put on better masks. Inside, there's a hollow. It grows, eats away at my soul, and I can't fight it anymore. I'm afraid that one day I'll end up being one of those pathetic people you see, slumped over in some corner. People that have completely lost all hope in life. I know it's coming. There are times where I feel it takes complete hold of me.

I hope someone else reads this. Someone who hasn't lost their loved one yet. Someone who can still make it right. Someone who will see this and realise that what they have is so beautiful. To appreciate it, and cherish it always.

Is it too late for me? She did call my house a few months ago to talk to my mom. She's even single now. But does that mean there's hope for me? How can that be? Everyday I've convinced myself it's over. That's the only way I've learned to keep living life. I have to accept the truth. For me to even believe that there may be a chance would cost my sanity. So I sit here, lost in the forest, the panda without his soul mate.

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