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A letter to my Aaron

10 June, 2002


Bitter words of love departed, pouring from my lips did bring a look of pain from my good-hearted, and suffering did I gain.
In twisted slumber and hateful dreams did I find my true love. Giving his love so freely to those who bear the seal of twins upon their hearts. Cloaking or dare I say Stocking his feelings from those who wished him ill fate, having to bear the weight of his own torn heart.


But I tell you my shinning prince, the weight is not your own, For my heart is crushed by the weight your own heart bears. Atlas has the weight of a feather upon his broad shoulders. And mine are but a speck of his and yet I have to endure this pain. Until time has forever ceased to exist, until I am released from this rotting carcass.


I shall not give you hope of everlasting, nor dreams to be forgotten. For Friendship is a word too shallow, and my feelings for you are deeper than the deepest oceans. But telling you of these feelings only bring that dreaded pain once more. There is no love lost when love cannot be given, so hide them from me and let my suffering continue on, And I will replace my face with a mask.


A smile is worth a thousand words, but only to those who see it. The souls that wish for happiness shall witness the smile upon my mask. And in gratitude for my life I shall abide by the laws that my Lord has given unto us, and refrain from my own hearts want of your love. For my love for you is that of the forbidden fruit that we so often hear of, and your soul is something that I do cherish so. I wish it safe journeys to the heavens above. Repent for this sinful love that I have brought upon you and your house.

I will not let your suffering be in vain, for my suffering is the thoughts of your pain. If need be my LOVE shall make me stronger to withhold from the feelings that I have within me. This battle that rages inside me tears my very heart from its place. The strength from the love that I have is the same love that I fight. So to win the WAR that continues in me I must draw on the Love that kills me the same.


I am weak from the battle now, and so long for the arms of my love, OH EVIL PAIN LEAVE ME TO MY DEATH AND LET THIS LOVE BE FREED FROM ME! TAKE YOU NOT THE LAST OF ME TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL, FOR I HAVE FORSAKEN MY LOVE, AND CAUSED MY LOVE TO FORSAKE ME.
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Have mercy on me Lord for I can no longer bear the pain that I have inflicted upon my heart, nor can I bear the pain that my own loves heart is suffering.


How then will he ever know of the torture that we share? I can not bring myself to tell you face to face, for my love for you will jump from my breast and swallow you whole up. But my cell of a prison is within this letter to you, one which I pray that I never have the strength to give. For I wish you never to know just how much I LOVE YOU!


If my hands betray me, or my legs hand me to hell and this letter rests in the palms of your hands, I pray you the strength to tear it to shreds and be rid of my love forever. I am not worthy of the love that lives in you.


My dear sweet Aaron, don't let this letter stir the need for you to seek my love for you. I chose this path of suffering and if I am not strong my world will crumble to nothing. My world stands for the children that I did bear to the man that is my Husband.


If not for my children and their children I would have no world at all. And without my children I would choose the path that leads me back to you...

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