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A heavy price to pay

10 September, 2002

Hello, My story is sad but true, time as gone by to ease the pain but the heartache is there every day, every minute, every hour, with no end.

I was born on march 22, 1958 my childhood was filled with turmoil. A violent father and kind but weak mother. She was victim to years of abusive behaviour from him. Well, we finally moved from that home, only with our lives. God's will I'm sure. I was 12 then. I had always thought that man was not my dad. I left it behind me along with the other painful memories.

However, at age 39 I was made to face the facts of the past. MY violent miserable mean abusive father was on his death bed. I felt compelled to forgive him for all he had done to me and my mother and brother. I decided to pay respects to him. To wash my heart clean and move on with life. He died and as all that was happening. I found a small inner part of me like a voice speaking out, a voice that was saying what was there all along. I knew deep down he was not my father, and felt that I had no connection with him other than hate. I could no longer stand it and had to approach my mother with my thoughts.

I was devastated to learn the truth that in fact my mother had been keeping a bitter secret from me that she did not want to ever share, that I was born to another man. I was elated with happiness and at the age of 39; I met my beloved father and with tears in our eyes we said our I love you's and spoke of our regrets to all the wasted years gone by.

MY heartache is this. He came into my life like and angel and the words I needed to hear when I was a child that I missed. He filled a piece to the puzzle that made me whole. But, due to family ties and jealously by his wife and family, I had to go.

I will never forget the day he broke my heart and told me that it wasn't working out and that he didn't want to see me anymore. My heart has never recovered. He lives on in his world and it is too late for me, it is so painful because I needed it so bad in my life. He is gone but not from my heart. I can't let it go. He said one day I would look up and he would be there at his grandson's ball game. But I know in my heart that will never be.

I have been let down twice. I don't need anymore father's at this point in my life. I just cry all the time in my heart. I wish for peace where there is hurt. I loved him from the moment I saw him and I new it was real. I found the answers I was looking for but it came with a heavy price to pay and burden. I know that second chances like this are a gift from God and He has his reasons for all that is, so I will accept what I can't change but someone should tell my heart that.

Thanks for listening to my story.

Terry H.

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