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A heartache that hurt more than just me
14 September, 2006
I have known him for so many years, since grade school, we were the best of friends as we grew up. When I had my son, thought it was not his, he made it his duty to come see us whenever he was in town. He held this child and looked down at it with the love of a father though that was not who he truly was.
I came back to the town we met in, to the town we grew up together in and we connected again. Our love was strong and far greater than any I knew of in my life or in the lives of those around me. He loved me for who I was, every inch of me was a treasure to him and he loved my son as his own, he took my son to his heart where he cradled him from the day the child was born. My son called him dad though he knew it was not his real father, he himself told me "Mom I can call Chris Daddy even though he isn't right?" I thought it harmless, afterall every child needs a father, especially little boys. It went like this for 2 years on and off, we had our tiffs but nothing serious, when we were apart he was still there for my son.
We worked out our problems and everything was fine, he loved me...or so I thought. It happened so fast, so painful that even now the ache will not die (it has been 3 years). He went to a so called harmless bachlor party for his best friend, I thought nothing of it since we were planning our Handfasting for the following Beltane (May 1). He went and had a good time, there were woman there, very unheard of for a bachlor party considering they were not meant for entertainment, and considering that I was not invited for that very reason. He came home, I knew something had happened but said nothing. The week went on as normal as usual except for the phone calls for him for a young girl, much younger than myself. It turned out that this marvalous man had met a very young girl (not even legal for bar entrance in BC). He left me for her, he dropped all we had for her without an explaination. We fought, I tried to change his mind but it was not to be changed. For a short while he stayed in my sons life but then he dissapeared, she told him he was not allowed to be a part of our lives in any way (she threatened him with his own child growing in her womb, or so that was the story which was not true there was no child).
So a year went by and then he spoke to me again, he wanted to be with my son again though he did not want to be with me again...all that love, all that wonder was gone in one night. My son was confused when he left, and then again when he returned though he still called him dad until the day he broke my sons heart into pieces and tore mine again with that. He promised to take my son to the Show and Shine (a car show held here on fathers day) something they went to all the time. My son sat and waited, and waited but he never showed and he never called. The tears in my sons eyes tore me apart. I took him myself but it was not the same, he said he wished his daddy was there. A week went by before we heard from Chris again, he said something came up and he could not make it. We fought, the least he could have done was called. I cried, and my son cried, broken hearts of a love and of a child are the worst imaginable. It has been nearly 2 years since we have spoken to Chris, and to this day my son feels the pain, though he says he hates Chris and the he will never be his daddy again.
So my heart was broken, and so was an innocent child, a small 3 year old little boy who thought the world of the man who left him in the rain.