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A forbidden love - (Loving a wrong person at a right time...)
11 April, 2008
I am just a simple girl that can be able to learn how to love and be hurt.... I am 18 now, and at my age I've got a lot of experience when we talk about love... I was just in second year high school when i started to have boyfriends. I know it was just a fling love... A part of growing up.. A part of being teenager.. I know there were times that i was hurt... But as time goes by...I can say that time heals all wounds... So I continue on being such a girl having boyfriends, no worries about anything...I don't care if i was hurt, what is important is that i have experience and learn how to love...
But all of that relationships where just a part of my flings..my games.. I never thought that I would come into more complicated things... complicated relationships.. Bigger problems and hurts. What i have just thought, is that I know what to do no matter what kinda relationships I may have... but I never imagine of falling in love to a guy who's 10-year older than me.. He's name is Noel...He is working in a great company as a system administrator..I am 18 years old and so he is 28 now.
At first, i don't think it was really a real love... I just thought it was just a lust.. what i felt for him.. He is a perfect guy for me.. Can give me what i want financially, and physically.. He is a nice guy.. He treated me good but I don't think if he really loves me .. For me, i'm not sure I really love him too.. what we have been talking about were not love.. it was just a satisfaction of our human needs... When i needed him, he was there.. when i he needed me.. i was there to for him.. At first.... we were happy with each other. I thought it has no end at all.. I thought we don't have any problems at all. We were just thinking of our happiness.
On the other hand, the people that knows our relationships don't really agreed with us. My friends knows our situations.. They were telling me that i should stop this kind of frailties.. But i never followed them.. They leave us alone.. And so we continued our relationships...
But then as time goes by i felt as if i was totally falling in love with my man... When i was not with him even just for how many hours i missed him so much.. I felt irritated when i saw him talking with someone in his phone... I am jealous when he talk about other girls.. and so i know i was falling in love with him... I love him.. until I know i can't afford to lose him...
Until the time had came.... the moment which was i never did expected...
The moment which was i am afraid of.. I don't know if i was just a fool loving him, be with him without knowing his background... I love him now, Yes... but i was just so blind...
On that very day of my confusion, a woman, maybe, of my man's age had came along to me.. She is also a nice girl.. I know she's professional.. With nice looks also. She talks to me.. There is something that made me shock..
I trembled, shivered and I felt like i was being strike by an arrow directly to my heart... The woman told me, she was the wife of the man i was with. And that he don't went to there home anymore.. He don't care at all... In that case... I cried I don't know what would I say and what would i felt.. my emotions where so confused... And so the woman continue to talked to me.. She told me they had a son.. A three-year old son... She told me in a nice manner. She's professional as what i have told.. She never did confronted me..she just talked to me well.. She told me that i am young and nice.. that she knows i can met a guy that would love me more... a guy who is single.. Don't have obligations and responsibilities at all. That he can give me all his time and love... She told me, that i should end up with him.. That i might ruin their family... She told me that she can forgive us.. she can forgive his husband and she can forgive me...that they can start an another start.. a new life with their son.. and so i can start my life too.. She told me it is never too late..and then she leave me..with tears in her eyes and mine too.
After that very moment... I was awoke.. awoke in a very long long sleep. I thought i was just dreaming. a nightmare and that i can hardly believe that i had love a wrong person at a right time... I am filled with guilt...conscience and frustrations... I love Noel.. I don't wanna lose him but them i am thinking of his family.. The person we've hurt.... So bad... yet i have to let him go.. for the sakes of the people involve in us..
That very night were together... I take my chances.. I let him feel how much i love him.. I give him all that i can give.. I know it was the last time we can do that... then early in the morning I fixed my things and so his things... Then the moment he woke up. He wondered why... I was packing his things and mine... Then I told him... "Pa, ( pa and ma were our endearment to each other) i just want you to know that i love you... that i had loved you ever since the day that i was with you.. i never told you ever since yet i let you feel.. Pa, i you won't leave then i'll do.." he was amazed.. He told me what the hell am i talking about.. and so i told him... " Pa, you never did told me that you love me... now i know coz somewhere out there you have them, the people whom you truly love.. your wife and your son... i know ,Pa, coz she was here yesterday, talked to me...Pa leave me now, go back to your family and give them the right love they deserve... change your way and start another one...Pa i know it hurts but it it would still hurting me knowing there are people who was there being hurt too.. this is the time i should give up pa.. even though it cause so much hurt.. Pa thanks for everything.. for everything we had ever since.. for all the happiness we had.. I love so much Pa... I love you but i have to say good bye..." and so as i tell him that last words i kissed him goodbye... for the last time... He told me anything.. Only those words that touch my heart.. "Ma, i'm sorry... I know i never been honest for not telling you this things, yet i just want you to know even though i never told you that i love you... but i love you also... so much.. i never told you that i love you coz i'm guilty. I don't have the right to tell you those words coz i'm already married... but deep inside how i wish i could tell you.. that you will be mine forever even though it won't happen...Ma, i'm so sorry if i ruined your life... I shouldn't have do this to you... but i'm sorry ma ...really really sorry...thank you also for the memories we had for your love and understanding..."
and so we depart from each other... I looked back to the place where i know i have learned how to love so true and the place where i had been hurt so much.. The pain was there so much painful... I never thought it was the end...and what i have now is the memories... I cried as i left that place...
Now how many months have passed...the pain is still there... but i know that still God and time will heal all those wounds in my heart..But on the other hand i never regret all those things.. im happy despite of those pains.. im happy that i have learned how to love and be hurt.. I will keep this memory as i continue to live in this world.. I know everything has a purpose... And that i know the right man might come into my life in the right time...and that i will no longer love a wrong person and everything soon will be alright..
I don't know if where is Noel now... but i will never forget him... I will never forget that once in my life I had loved him with all of my heart...Never......