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A broken heart

07 January, 2009

We met 12 years ago, seems like we had been together forever and all it took was one moment to tear everything apart. We met on the internet, spoke on the phone the same night, I was only 17 years old, he was 20. The first time we saw each other in person, I didn't really have any feelings for him, in other wards it wasn't love at first sight. However we grew to know one another and we fell in love. I took it for granted that we would always be together. I thought we have been through so much, how can it ever possibly end. I knew a year into the relationship that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but it wasn't until our 12th year that he gave me a ring. And it wasn't just any ring, it was him Mom's engagement and wedding band. I was so surprised, I didn't expect a ring and he wasn't the best with money so I knew that he could never afford a ring. So we made official plans for our wedding, even found the perfect spot. I literally was in tears when we were shown around the grounds of the place we would become man and wife. Had I known we were going to say goodbye a few months later I would have ran for my life.

I felt things changing maybe 6 months before he said those words, "I am not in love with you anymore". I figured it was just a rough patch and we would get through it like we always did. We seemed to have the perfect relationship. I could tell him anything, we had fun together and I felt like we just fit. We never foughtandwe never had toreally work hard at our relationship. Of course I never saw the bad side, the gambling, the smoking, not just cigarettes, the immaturity, but you really are blind when you are in love.

Now I don't know who to blame, or if there is anyone to blame. I have always been a jealous person, not something I am proud of but none the less. One fight about him spending time with some girl when he should have been with me and it was done. I got that phone call that everyone dreads, you know you can hear it in the person's voice, the person that you have given everything to, spent so many years with, the person you thought you knew. I knew something was really wrong and everyone kept telling me that everything would be alright but it wasn't.

Two days later I gave the ring back and my heart was broken. It has been 4 months, I haven't seen him or spoken to him, it is like he never existed. How is it possible to spend 12 years with someone and then to just stop one day? I try not to think about him but everyday is hard.

I looked at some photographs today, all that I have left of 12 years. I had to see the pictures again to remind myself that it wasn't all a lie. We loved one another, what we had was real.

I don't know if I will ever feel that way again or if I even deserve to, but I hope that I will fall in love again one day because as the old saying goes it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

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