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A broken dream
10 September, 2007
this story may seem like nothing to some people, but it means alot to me and is something I'm still not over..
I was in grade 9 when i first met the girls of my dreams.. you could say it was love at first sight.. The moment i met her i was intrigued by her, yet knew nothing about her. As we got to know each other over the next few months i came to realise that i really liked this girl, and sometime after the 10th grade realised that i loved this girl. I couldn't find anything about her i didn't like and just having her in the same room would bring a smile to my face. In all this time never dared to say anything to anyone because i was too shy and scared that i'd be rejected, so kept it all to myself to be safe.
Jump forward 2 years to the start of grade 12.. This is around when i first told my friends that i liked her.. not going into the details of how i in fact loved her and had so for the past 2 years.. One of my friends was the twin brother of a girl in the group of the girl i loved, and knowing her since the 3rd grade, we were good friends, but had started to become very good friends as the groups started to mingle together as we matured. I made the mistake (which worked in my favour) of confiding in her that i like her friend, and she promised not to tell anyone. As it turns out, by "not tell anyone" she meant tell the entire group, and let them tell the girl. Even still i kept my head in the sand due to embarrassment. I ended up being forced to act by her friends at a party as they ushered an opportunity for us to talk, and just let me add that they did this with absolutely no tactics and the least amount of grace i have ever witnessed, dropping comments before hand like "speaking of dates" at completely random times. When we were left alone i could have died from embarrassment. The rest of that moment is a bit of a blur to me but somehow i ended up telling her that i liked her and wanted to be with her, and to my joy she said she did to. Yay happy times.
Anyway, for the next 2 and a halfish months i was on top of the world.. then one day, out of the blue she told me that we weren't working, and she thinks we would be better just as friends. Now to my knowledge we were doing just fine and there were no problems.. so at first i was in complete disbelief and kept asking why and telling her i didn't understand, but she wouldn't give me any other answer. Luckily enough for me the holidays had just started and i had 2 weeks to completley break down. I spend most of my time in my room barely moving except on the rare occasions i'd go out to the kitchen and eat. Then when school started and i saw her again had to fight back tears, which also resulted in me avoiding her when i could/not making much eye contact. As the months went by we slowly started to talk again and i was in a semi normal state but was still heartbroken. We became fairly good friends by the end of the year and i was still in love with her. After school finished we would only see each other at birthdays and outings which the entirety of both groups would attend until we had all turned 18. Now we would be out in clubs quite frequently and the person she had become after school started to ease the pain.. i really didn't like who had she became, all she ever wanted to do was get drunk with whoever seemed cool at the time, and would bail on plans with her true friends from school to go somewhere different with a couple of people she met the weekend before. Behaviour like this became very common until she would get ditched by someone, or have something let her down. Then it would be all tears and attention whoring.
late into the year we were all out and she was leaving the main group and just hanging out with the group of random people, and then introduced us and such, then went off where they went. Later on we went looking for her and when we found her she seemed a bit odd, so we stuck around, and then we realised she'd been spiked when her head dropped onto my shoulder while we sat with her. It wasn't like a really wasted sort of situation, it was like she was shutting down and couldn't move, rather than sloppy and incoherant. We had a designated driver with us so we got her out of there asap. She came into a state where she could talk on the way home and asked what was happening, and said her stomach really hurt. We explained what we thought had happened and i think that was a wake up call for her.. she got kinda emotional and said she was really lucky to have such good friends. We had to carry her into her house and she passed out before we got her to her bed. We stayed around for a couple hours just to make sure she didn't get really bad but we decided she wasn't going to get any worse so we called it a night. We checked up around mid day and she was alive and sick :P. She thanked us all for being there for her and that she wouldn't know what she would do without us.. her attitude towards us since then has completely changed.. she puts us first now, just like we always did her. And this of course means that she was back to the person i had loved :(
Her and i started to become really good friends and would talk about just about anything, so one night i decided to ask just why she did break up with me.. I'm kind of glad that i finally have closure on what happened.. but the reason makes me even more upset. She said that i was her first boyfriend, so everything was really new to her and she was so nervous just to be around me, and all her friends kept pressuring her, telling her to go over to me,hold me hand, etc and would only really ever talk to her about me, asking questions all the time, and it all just made her really uncomfortable and it just got to the point where it was too much for her so she decided we should be friends. It was pretty dissapointing to find that it was over something so little as that, and that i had nothing to do with it.. feels like i really missed out on something special. To this day i continue to fall even further inlove with her and it's just saddening. It's so hard to commit with other people when i have these feelings that are so strong with her. To make it even more difficult, recent changes in her hair and clothes have made her look absolutely stunning and i just want her all that more now and can't have her. I wish there was someway i could just let go of these feelings but nothing i do seems to work. Sometimes i want to tell her everything that i think about her and feel, but i am 100% certain of what the outcome would be if i could even manage to get past the second sentence without her stopping me.
Anyway to all those still reading.. thanks for taking the time.. writing this here is somewhat relieving.. it's hard to find the right person to talk with