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A Decade Too Long

16 September, 2006

After the first three years, I should have given up on Kevin. Somethingabout himjustkept pulling meback to him.It did notmatter what hedid,or howhe showed me numeroustimes that he was not the one forme, Inever gaveup.I met this man when I wasnineteenand here I amnowthirty, still alone andno Kevin.Sadlife, I lived,making aman, an ultimate goalin life, without exploring other goals and otheropportunities.

Realizing after all this time,I didn't like myselfvery much.He wasatestfrom every angle.A test againstmy judgment, my morals,my intellect,my pride, my womanhood....The absolute worst awomancan have.Andwhat wasworse, I think I was morein"love" with the fact ofbreaking him down. It neverhappened.

Now, I cannot watch lovestories,listen to overlyromantic love songs, no jazz, nothing thatcould resurrect any memoriesof him.Being in a one-sidedrelationship islikeinvitingthe devilintoyour heart to dance withyou,seduce you with hisgood looks,makeyoulaugh, make youcry, makeyou weep withecstasy from the lovemaking. Only to wake upthe next morninglying next to a fallacy.An demented illusion youdo not recognized.Everythingthat hesmiledat aboutyou,turns todisdain, judgment anddisgust. Thishow I felt when I was withKevin. NothingI ever didor said wasright, and friendswonderwhat I sawin him, what mademe stay aslong as I did. Howdid I keep forgiving him after every infraction, with thedegreeof those infractions growing in intensityeachand every time.I mademyself apromisethat I had to let him go, nomatterhow muchI lovedhim or could not functionwithout him,I had to.But , it had totake something drastic likesleeping with acoworker for me to leave him alone.

I was betrayed on both ends, becausethe coworkerwasn't womanenough to let me know she liked himor that hehad hit onher.And him,testing me onevery front ,actually thinking,I would stillbe with himafter that. Narcissism at it's finest, I had to let this cat go. I have to force myself not to remember anything about him and believe me, it's a battle everyday. I have to realize I never really lost anything, I'm old enoughto know that real love don'tfeel like this. Real love will never ask you to compromise your beliefs, or ask you to stop being your real self..And it's through the grace and mercy of God, that I was able to finally let him go, because the kid was surely addicted, and addicted to nothing at that. How could I have been lost for so long? Why did it take this epiphany forever and day?A decade wasa decadetoo long.


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