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07 January, 2009
We met when i was 19 I am now 32. We were friends instantly, which really doesn't equate tot he actual relationship that we had. We were closer than friends, one of those people that was always there for you, to listen, to hold you as you cried, save you from yourself. He had a way of actually making things better that no one else had. we started dating when I was in college and it didn't last all but three months. We weren't ready. but this brought us closer than we were before. After several relationship disasters we moved in together. Just as friends. we spent all our time together we never really left eachother's side. our mutual friends apparently called us the married couple without benifits, how fitting because it really was like that. He used to watch me sleep and I him both in love but not really doign anyhting about it or even recognizing it. Then we started to date other people and the firework started we hated eachother for the first time, he couldnt stand to see me with another and I him with another. I moved out and we didn't speak for over 3 mos. Which seemed like a life time. We eventually came back to friendship and continued on with life.
For years we courted eachother in unoppertunistic times. His family loved me like their own daughter and his mother was at times more of a mother to me than my own. I was always invited to everything and always a stand in girlfriend when needed. I fell for him he fell for me. never really having the right timing. Our significant others always hated our relationship no matter how much we expressed that we were just friends.
After so much time we finally decided to date I was in shear bliss then every thing exploded when I mentioned marriage. Ofcourse he wasnt ready. I was sure he was the one. I had always felt it. after three years of dating we ended what seemed like a doomed relationship that was tearing us apart with our frinds watching from the side lines. I was baffled that he couldnt see how we were menat for eachother. We had the same life views agreed on everything but marriage and the timing of such. He pulled away and I held on tighter. a mistake that I have claerly learned.
I had to force my self to move away from him about 40 miles or so thus leaving behind friends as well. I began to rebuild my life my heart everntually iced over and things seemed ok not good but ok. I began to date never really satisfied I continued to distract myself with classes and social engagements with friends.
i thougth I was done that I had healed only problem was i didn't feel a thing. Nothing that resembled love or compassion . It was on christmas that I finally saw him for the first time. I had given him istruction that I didn't want to talk or see him again when we parted and he doing his due dilligence remained silent untill I called him on christmas eve. I was at his parents dropping off cookies and gifts and knew he was on his way. I didn't really know what to do if he showee up but I wasnt goign to giver myself that chance when I saw his headlights enter the subdivision. I called him after I left since he was keeping his distance out of respect. asked him to come to my car and gave him a hug that seemed to last forever. I told him Merry christmas ita hug was the only gift I could have given him. I said I miss you which up till that point I really never realized just how much I did. He respo ded in kind. asked if we could see eachother some time for coffee or a drink. I said that might be ok.
the next week he text me a message and we met for drinks we talked and it was just like ever time we fought it was like nothing ever happened. then he said what I have always longed to hear. I think that you are the one I am menat to be with. the door unlocked and I felt again only I am now terrified. he has to make a decision will he keep the one he is dating now or will he try to work on things with me I gave him an ultimatium with this in mind. and I am terrified I dont think that I am the one he wants to be with ater al this time nad I dont want to get hurt again. So I wait here just like you for the next line......