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12 years for what?

07 June, 2001

I've been with my husband for 12 years. Married for 12 of those. We have 3 wonderful children together. We first met in a bar of all places. He's always been the fun, happy guy everyone wants to be around. I knew from the our first kiss he was something special. Our problem right away was the partying. He loved to party and didn't know when to stop. Of course, I just knew I could change him.

As the years go along, we went back and forth, sometimes getting along, sometimes not. He got really bad into the drugs. It broke my heart to watch him fade away. I loved him so much. Along with his drug use, came the paranoia. He always thought I was cheating on him. That has always been the last thing on my mind. I really, in my heart do not believe he ever cheated on me. He became obsessed with it, to the point of it controlling my life.

A few years ago, we decided to move across the US to my side of the family. He did so good here. It's like I had my husband back, and my kids finally had their dad back. This past February, he decided to go back and work for a couple months. He thought he could make some money quicker there. He is a commercial fisherman. Anyways, I had such a sick feeling in my body for a few weeks before he left. I was so afraid for him to leave. The first couple of months, he called every few days to check in with us. He sounded homesick and was anticipating the date to come home. Out of the blue on May 6th, he called and said he wasn't sure if he loved my anymore and didn't know if he would be coming back. I was not prepared for this. I've just been so lonesome for him and couldn't wait for his phone calls. I had no hint of this beforehand. Then he didn't call for 21 days. That is the longest we have ever been without contact. He was very cold sounding. I could feel my heart breaking, listening to his voice. He said he still loves me, but is not sure what he is doing with his life right now.

I have never felt so lonesome and confused. This is the man that I have given the best years of my life too. I thought we would grow old together. Now I'm uncertain from day to day on what will come.

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